A circle has too much symmetry

Not really back

2009-05-08T21:28:00.002-04:00

I don't think I am "back", for a number of reasons but the two main reason is that I don't have any time and well...

I was going to say that I am in a much different place in my life right now but emotionally that isn't true. I, like the rest of the planet, used the blog world to vent a side of me that I could not share publicly. The side of me that was dominating my life and not in a good way. My life has changed and until recently I did not need to vent but that has all changed. The good news is the stress is no longer personal but work related. However my frustrations are only with myself and I can not point a finger to anyone else. I don't have the time or the desire to bore you with the details of my inadequacies.

Having said that my stress level is insane. I am struggling to cope. I am also struggling with "good enough" for the rest of the world and "good enough" for me. It is two vastly different things and I am not ready to throw in the towel. So my stress is self generated to a large extent, I could just do my job with low stress and not try to fix my corner of the world. Perhaps it is my youth and lack of experience with this position, but in the end I would be satisfied with learning and I hope to fix my corner of the world.

Now is the time

2009-04-22T22:43:00.002-04:00

Conflicting wants and desires

Now is the time to realize that there is conflicting wants and desires. Now is the time I realize that I can't have it all. I want to be the woman that has the diamond tennis braclet. The woman that is adorned, the woman that outshines everyone. Oh wait, that isn't reality. Do I want to buy my own castle in the sky or do I want someone to sweep me up on their white horse and take me there?

When life was free

2009-04-20T21:41:00.002-04:00

I remember a time when I would sit with the movers and shakers. I remember a time when all I thought was calculating. Listen more, be engaged, respond to the right people; and now I think about not being alone. I didn't realize the power in you was freedom to be the best in me. Now I think about finding you, the calculating me has been supplanted by the searching me.

I made a mistake. We made a mistake. I don't know how to go back.

Itinerary

2008-10-10T20:45:00.002-04:00

I have totally disappeared from the blog world and the reason is I have been extremely busy. I was reflecting on all the things I did this summer and I wanted to document that this has probably been one of the best summers of my life. Oh and summer didn’t end until last weekend for me, here is a list of my weekends:

Hum last weekend, Napa Valley; where I kissed a girl, attended a concert and had fabulous food/wine

Weekend before, K’s birthday; oh that was fun! Dancing, drinking, eating and hanging out with great friends

Weekend before, Janeane’s Visit; nut cups for all

Weekend before, San Diego; where I had a behind the scenes dolphin encounter and attended another concert, though counting crows called in sick. I didn’t even know they could do that!

Weekend before, Peach Days; mucho alcohol had by all and temporary tattoos

Weekend before, Solider Hollow; my sister’s dog is the national champion, go sis! Oh and a 12 mile hike in the rain which was too much

Weekend before, Dancing with the girls; oh welcome to the trailer park

Weekend before, my diabetic friend’s wedding; note to self, open bar is not an invitation to see if you can make them run out of alcohol

Weekend before, Southern Utah; Fabulous shopping, dinner and concert

Weekend before, Cabin trip; simply amazing, 8 mile hike (just the right amount) followed by the most beautiful scenery while relaxing and drinking a beer.

Weekend before, Post River trip and Slumber party; lots of work

Weekend before, my diabetic friend’s bachelorette; hockey players are crazy and do not go into NBA player’s hotel rooms

Weekend (extended) before, Chicago; One of the best trips of my life, perfect balance of relaxing and doing

Weekend before, the women I met on the plane’s party; entertaining but not something I would do often

Week before, river trip; COLD!!!

Weekend before, the old man’s wine party; not as much drama as I thought consider 3 different men I was dating were in attendance

Week before, Central America; SAND FLIES!! Not good

I am hoping this is enough of a list to remind me of all the fabulous things I did this summer and that right now I love being me.

Thursday in Chicago

2008-07-08T22:09:00.001-04:00

I had the best visit in Chicago. I spent the holiday weekend with my very first BAW and his wife. We stayed up very late and slept in everyday. We drank way too much alcohol and experienced all the stuff the city had to offer. The train ended up being the focal point for all the truly bizarre experiences of the weekend.

Thursday we went to the Taste of Chicago and it was mildly entertaining. The crowds were insane. They were primarily composed of young people wearing radically inappropriate clothing. And a note to the not so fashion forward, if you squeeze your size 16 frame into size 6 outfit that belongs in a strip club do not go to a food festival and eat more! We wandered around the taste making fun of all the crazy people that crossed our path. I know it is mean but I am not known for being a nice person.

Eventually we made it to the water front and claimed our spot and proceeded to drink our fill in liquor. We brought extra, you know just in case the festival ran out. After the fireworks, which were the best in the nation, we made our way back through a million people to the train station. I have to say a crowd of a million people is something to behold and fortunately I had more alcohol in my veins than blood so I didn’t care that there was so many people.

In fact we played a real live version of Tetris meets pong while getting back to the station. Yes I was part of the really drunk string of people running through the crowd. I am sorry but it was a lot of fun and we made it to the train on time. Once on the train I promptly passed out only to be awoken 2 hours later by a young kid collapsing in our car. One of our friends went over to help and it soon became apparent that the young kid needed help bad. He had too much to drink and probably more and passed out; he also stopped breathing shortly before our stop. When he stopped breathing and started turning blue, one of our party started CPR and I dialed 911. Well to be fair I dialed 411 first, in my drunken panicked state, I stayed on the line with the 911 dispatch until they arrived at the train. I also pulled in the emergency stop handle, wow that was drama. I am not sure if the kid was okay, he couldn’t have been a day over 21.

That was the most dramatic/traumatizing train ride but the rest involved sex, vulgarity and public exposure.

How to make a woman feel special Part II

2008-07-01T23:23:00.001-04:00

My “How to make a woman feel special” post has received a lot of attention over the years. It continues to receive a lot of attention and people have requested that I update the post to include more suggestions. The most important thing then and now in keeping a woman happy in a relationship is to make her feel like she is special. The more successful you are at making her feel special the happier she will be.

When I first wrote the list I was compiling a “to do” list for a guy that I wanted to win my heart but instead I discovered it was wonderful opportunity for all my friends to reflect on what great guys they have in their lives. It made everyone a little happier and more appreciative of their lives for a while. Now I don’t want to reflect on what the men in my life do to make me feel special as I am trying to let go of them. However I will once again enlist the help of my friends (and readers) in making another list of what makes you feel special. So does the guy in your life do to make you feel special?

I will post the results when I return from Chicago.

She is such a slut

2008-07-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

I think I need medication. Somewhere in my crazy thought process I thought it would be a great idea to get a roommate. My logic seemed flawless; I have a lot of space, I am gone all the time, a built in carpool to work, the extra money would be great and a help around the house would be greatly appreciated. The first flaw in my logic was apparent when all his stuff arrived, a lot of stuff; more than the 500 sq feet that I allotted to him! My kitchen cupboards, refrigerator and freezer are stuffed. I hate having so much clutter around even if it is out of sight, and not everything is out of sight. My second flaw was apparent when I was getting dressed for work in the morning and walking around nude it no longer an option. My third flaw was apparent when my traitor dog has decided sleeping with my roommate is better than sleeping with me. She is such a slut!

Being a woman is a nightmare

2008-06-28T11:07:00.001-04:00

Being a woman is a nightmare, there are times when my hormones are so out of control I am incapable of being rational. Of course being the incredible logic motivated creature that I am I have been tracking my hormonal swings and putting a notice into my brain that I am not allowed to make any potential life changing decisions while in the throes of the hormonal hurricane. However this month, no anger, no swings, no apathy, no wanting to divorce myself from everyone and everything, no wanting to runaway, no needing space, nope it is worse! I am needy!

Needy, pathetic, weak and I just want to be held. I want to lose myself in someone’s broad chest and strong arms. Of course I realize I am once again being irrational but I will not be able to stop myself from acting on it. I will call someone to come and hold me tonight and they will. I will also be affectionate, needy and vulnerable. I won’t feel the same in 48 hours; they still will. In fact they will feel like they are finally making some head way into my life, and I am sorry you are not.

Maybe today I can beat the hormonal monster that controls me for a day every month and spend the night alone.

Drive it before you buy it

2008-06-18T19:09:00.000-04:00

The idea of abstinence until marriage never really impacted me. I knew it wasn’t for me because there is no way I could wait that long; I am just not a patient person. I can’t wait for things I want. I had also laughed at the comments like you don’t buy a car before the test drive but it was always a joke. My thinking has really changed in the past few years; you seriously don’t want to buy a car without a test drive. In fact you don’t even want to rent or borrow a car without a very successful test drive. On the flip side an amazing test drive can make you blind to fact that it isn’t really the car for you. I have been on both sides of this issue.

I had the best driving experience of my life and it took me almost a year to realize the car was stupid. The car was fundamentally stupid, incapable of original thought or conversation; not the car for me. Once I noticed the complete lack of substance (a year later) I could not stand the car for another moment even though it was the perfect ride.

Now I have the sweetest car on the planet, it does everything and more a woman could ever want except the driving is terrible. It is worse than terrible (where is the thesaurus); it is appalling, dreadful, horrendous, atrocious, and ghastly. You might be thinking you can teach someone to drive and solve this problem but trust me I have tried. There are just some things you can’t fix; either you don’t know how, you don’t have the energy/heart or they are plain just not fixable (I am living with all three). I hate to say good bye to this car with every accessory but I can’t live with the terrible driving performance. After each test drive the car loses some of it brilliance.

Moab is cool

2008-06-18T19:08:00.000-04:00

I survived the river trip but just barely. It was not the class 5 rapids or the 55,000 cfs water flows that almost did me in but the unseasonable cold weather. A freak cold front blew into Moab, Utah just as our party arrived. It was in the forties and I almost died of exposure. The minute we left the river the weather was back to almost triple digits.

I can’t quite put my finger on what makes Moab so cool. I have heard about Moab my whole life, people rant and rave about the town. I have had random conversations with complete strangers while zip lining over the jungles of Central America and the topic about how wonderful Moab is occurs. Before I went to Moab, I just really didn’t get it. It is a really small town in the middle of the desert. The only things to do there are hike, bike, rock climb and white water raft. I don’t bike and the idea of hiking in triple digits repulses me; oh and I hate the desert. I think it is ugly (please don’t hate me). So when people talked about Moab as this Mecca town with abject reverence, I would internally role my eyes while I politely smiled. Secretly thinking I needed the medication the Moab lovers were on.

I get it now and I don’t get it. Moab is cool. It might be the people that descend there from May to September. They are the kind of adventurous, free, fun and interesting people that most of us aspire to be. It could be the variety of people that are in this town; hundreds a miles away from the nearest city. It might be the hot dry weather makes you light headed and unable to think clearly but the simple fact is Moab is cool. You feel like a bit of that it factor that is Moab rubs off on you while you are there, and you become slightly more interesting during your stay.

I don’t get it and I love Moab. I am now taking the Moab medication, you wouldn’t understand unless you have been there.

Damn Cinderella

2008-06-08T12:10:00.002-04:00

Well I wasn’t eaten by a shark; in fact I did not even see a shark. Pretty much everyone else saw sharks but nope not me, I didn’t get to see the eel either, apparently it was right under me too. Hum I am wondering if the ocean might not be the place for me, since I am completely unaware of my surroundings.

I am now getting ready to go white water rafting. It is my annual trip, however I will not be intentionally swimming the rapids this year as the river is flowing at 60,000 cubic feet/second and I am not completely crazy, that number is big to me too.

My life has been pretty lack luster lately. I am busy. I have been traveling a ton. I am playing soccer, softball and still dancing this season. I can’t seem to break out of the “just for now guy” pattern. I really would like some alone time. I have been in a relationship since I was 15, no kidding since I was 15. On some level I must like being in a relationship(because I am always in one) but on another level I really don’t want one right now, or even ever. I try to break them off but then I feel so bad about hurting someone else and it is nice to have someone who takes care of the things I don’t want to do. It is times like now that running away sounds like a great idea; then I don’t have to deal with the break-up in person.

I think the men in my life sense my desire to be alone; they schedule things they know I can’t say no to months in advance, my favorite opera, concert, and ballet or vacation destination. Or perhaps they are just trying to be nice and not trying to get me to commit to anything long term. Maybe one day I will wake up and wish I had settled down with some “just for now guy” in my past but I am really waiting for the guy that sweeps me away. Damn Cinderella!!

So cute I had to share

2008-05-22T18:59:00.002-04:00

Fear

2008-05-16T19:05:00.001-04:00

I am not fearless; in fact I am afraid of a great many things. The primary one is the fear of dying; yes I am afraid of dying. I am also afraid of fear itself. I am afraid to let fear control my life. I know a great many people who don’t do things because of fear and anxiety. My BBF Marge has let fear so control her life that it limits the places she goes and the activities she participates in. I am more afraid of becoming one of those people, the ones that don’t ski the chutes, cliffs or even black diamond runs because of fear. I am afraid of fear limiting the person I am or the person I may become. I am very afraid of fear making me and my life boring.

This latest reflection is brought on because next week I am going diving with sharks and I am very afraid. I am already feeling the anxiety of the experience 8 days in advance. My heart rate is accelerated, my tummy is upset but there is no way I am not getting in the water. I will do it and love the rush afterwards. I am afraid and I am going. I cannot let fear stop me from living life to its fullest.

OUT OF BOUNDS

2008-05-09T21:58:00.000-04:00

I have been busy and not blogging a whole lot lately. I spent a fabulous weekend skiing in Colorado with DB at the beginning of April. It is nice to ski with a former ski team member, the perks are unbelievable; free skiing, free lodging and drop dead gorgeous male friends that have bodies you could stare at for hours. Well I actually did stare at them for hours. There are bad things about skiing with DB too, after a seriously grueling run, involving double black diamond terrain, steeper than f*ck vertical drop, moguls and trees the guy takes me OUT OF BOUNDS! I could just see the headlines; expert skiers die out of bounds. It just wasn’t out of bounds, it was OUT OF BOUNDS; there was death to the right, death to the left and narrow channel in between that fed into a cliff, no kidding a cliff, which dropped immediately into a forest where there was no place to drop your speed.

After that run and bitching DB out for 10 minutes I decided to ski on my own, which latest all of 10 minutes. Seriously ladies the mountain is a great place to meet men if you don’t want to meet them. Follow that weekend by a week out of town, a weekend at my sister’s wedding, another week out of town but I am back until memorial weekend and then it is another trip.

I am also playing soccer and softball this spring, and of course there is always ballet.

My new admirer

2008-05-04T16:26:00.003-04:00

My sister’s wedding has come and gone and the most entertaining part (for me) was the high school senior that was totally in love with me. It was so sweet and made me feel good. This is a picture of us dancing together.

The whole thing provided me with hours of entertainment, which was a good thing considering there was no alcohol at this wedding.

My sister looked beautiful and super happy too.

Nothing Interesting

2008-05-01T19:03:00.000-04:00

It is the time again where everyone irritates me. It is the time where I want to divorce myself from everyone and everything around me. It is also the time when running away sounds like the best course of action. One of these cycles is going to get me into trouble, actually it already has; I was feeling very dissatisfied with my life and drinking, never a good combination, and I applied for a job. When I was called for an interview, I thought it couldn’t hurt, gain experience and exposure, also send a signal to upper management that I wanted to move up the ladder.

Though I did not remember what the job was for, I had no idea who I would be working for and all the other important details that go into a job interview. I then went on travel for a month (hence the absence) and returned to my interview grossly unprepared. Guess what happen next, I heard yesterday that they are going to make an offer. To be fair I give an excellent interview, I have received an offer every time I have received an interview.
The desire to run away is overwhelming right now. I don’t want to deal with the complications in my life. I understand that they will be the same complications in another area but they will take years to develop, thus some reprieve. I also understand going to a new place is hard at first. It takes time to establish your friend/support network. I have finally started establishing one out here, after 2 years.

For 18 years and older boys only

2008-04-17T20:34:00.001-04:00

Boys are stupid
Throw rocks at them

Apology

2008-04-15T06:22:00.000-04:00

An apology without a solution is meaningless

I found some comfort

2008-04-09T13:15:00.000-04:00

I am once again living in a hotel room which seems to be my life recently; I still have a home I just don’t visit it very often. Yesterday after my shower I cleaned my earrings and left them on the bathroom counter. I continued to get ready for the day and after I dressed I went to put on my earrings and one of my diamonds was missing. I searched everywhere, twice; thought through all the possible places it could have fallen and then searched another 4 times. I did not find it. I was so upset and I started crying; alone in my hotel room crying because I couldn’t find my earring. I called the Love of my Life who gave me the earrings for our first Christmas together and it made me feel even worse. I got angry with him because I was calling for comfort and did not receive it. I then sent a text message to Fozzie and the Kid which said “I am in tears! I just lost my diamond earring. I am so upset!”

The Kid responded in a much similar way to the Love of my Life accusing me of not searching hard enough for it and being negligent in keeping track of my valuables. Boy was that not what I wanted to hear, because how could I be so stupid was running in stereo in my head at the moment. I also did not know where to search; all my searches had been fruitless.

Fozzie responded with “I am so sorry. It is just a material object and can be replaced unless it has sentimental value. Try not to worry about it too much. We’ll get you another one when you return.” A few hours later he sent “How are you doing honey?” It was exactly want I needed, comfort. I was able to think clearly after someone gave me some sympathy and realized the earrings are insured and I will replace them when I return home.

Some words to go with my feelings

2008-04-04T15:42:00.000-04:00

I can’t stand to watch an animal suffer but human suffering doesn’t bother me as much. Many people in my life are puzzled by this extreme sympathy to animals and a seemingly lack of empathy for humans. I have never been able to articulate why I feel so, but something came to me today. Misery is part of the human condition, whether self inflicted or not it is there. Pain and suffering is something every human deals with on many different levels and for the most part we survive and move on. Humans are wired to deal with pain and suffering and move on. Animals do not have to cognitive reasoning to rationalize pain and suffering, to learn from it and pull the positive from it. They learn pain. They learn suffering and there is nothing in their brains that allow them to cope constructively from it.

More Easter Eggs

2008-03-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

And the accompanying text

My Easter Tradition

2008-03-26T00:47:00.002-04:00

I will fill in the details later, for now I will let all your minds wonder about how I got these Easter Eggs.

Message for the week (and your life)

2008-03-24T22:22:00.003-04:00

DON'T BREED OR BUY WHILE SHELTER ANIMALS DIE

Uncertainity killed the Cat

2008-03-20T21:16:00.001-04:00

I have been working in the Northern Maryland for the past week, and it is in the middle of nowhere. Actually it is not quite in the middle of nowhere; in fact it is less than 10 miles from where my high school sweetheart grew up. When I first arrived here, the night before work I googled him and he currently lives 12 minutes from my hotel. I briefly entertained the idea of contacting him. He is listed as a Mr. and Mrs. in the directory and perhaps if there wasn’t a dual listing I would have contacted him.

I am mildly curious to how his life turned out and I wish him well. I treated him terribly and married his roommate. I know. I had and still have some issues with relationships. After I divorced his roommate he flew out to see me and I rejected him again. I don’t think he would be happy to see me unless I was a complete failure; which I am not. I also have learned a little bit and can imagine me contacting him causing turmoil in his life thus I let it go. Curiosity killed the cat; or at least the uncertainty principle did.

I love Waffle House

2008-03-20T20:00:00.001-04:00

I had my first meal at a Waffle House tonight. I know you are shocked; how can it be possible to never have eaten at a Waffle House? Well there are many reasons, one there are not Waffle Houses where I currently live, two my family is a bit pretentious and three my co-workers are way pretentious. Thus we are working and staying in the middle of nowhere Maryland right next to a Waffle House and no one will eat there. A few of my coworkers have been here months, in this very hotel and no Waffle House. We have driven miles and miles to find dinner with no thought to the Waffle House. Tonight I begged off dinner with my colleagues and decided to give the Waffle House a try. I have to say it was great!!

I sat at the counter and was almost the only customer. The waitress stood over me anxiously awaiting my order, assuming I knew what they served because everyone has been to a Waffle House. I had no idea what they served but she was freaking me out so I ordered the All Star Breakfast. The food was served hot, fresh and exactly like I ordered it; and did I mention it was great! The grits were perfect; hey I am in the south and when in Rome…. The bacon exactly like I ordered it slightly burned. You be amazed at how many places will not intentionally over cook your food but it is the way I like my bacon. Oh and my whole enormous meal was under $7, seriously I can’t say enough good things about the Waffle House.

And he makes a pot

2008-03-11T07:39:00.001-04:00

The coffee thing turned out to be even funnier than if it had happened on Friday. My BAW came into work and started a pot of coffee first thing. Of course I sent out an email to everyone that the coffee was brewing, many random people arrived to “visit”. My friends were visiting to see if he had tried the coffee. Unfortunately I put way too much pepper in the coffee and he noticed the smell right away. However he wasn’t sure if it smelled wrong or if it was him. He asked me if it smelled okay and I innocently replied that it smelled fine. I even gave him a look like he was crazy to not think that it smelled fine.

My BAW then started soliciting opinions on his coffee to our fellow co-workers. He asked the Kid and the Kid replied it smelled like coffee. I almost lost it when he said “Maybe I am pregnant and my sense of smell is off, I haven't tasted it yet" and then he started speculating someone had messed with his coffee. During this whole scene I continued to keep all my friends up to date on the progress. Every minute I would receive an inquiry to the current status and I had to send mass emails.

Finally he asked the most annoying guy on the planet (Mag) and Mag said that it smelled like pepper and the gig was up. About the same time my giggles overcame me and I was found out too. It made for a very entertaining morning. The whole scene took at least three hours.

Must Have Patience

2008-03-07T15:41:00.001-05:00

By BAW arrived late today, he did not show up until 9:30 am and has not started his coffee yet. I am trying to not be obvious but I am keeping a sharp eye on his coffee pot. I hope no one tipped him off.

9:50 am still no coffee, maybe he had it at home today, must not ask him about said coffee

10:11 am still no coffee; it looks like I am going to have to wait until Monday

11:00 am still no coffee, I will have to wait until Monday, must have patience

On a side note I bought Meadow a new collar yesterday it is pink plaid and super cute. I will attempt to take and post a picture but I can’t promise anything. As I was walking around Petco killing time a few random thoughts occurred to me. The Petco is right next to DSW and instead of going to DSW I went to Petco. I would rather buy my baby stuff than shoe shop, how crazy is that? As I was browsing in Petco I started looking a shoes and coats for my baby and then it hit me; I am turning into one of those people who would be willing to put their dogs in ridiculous outfits. I immediately left the store.

Meadow is finally learning. I can no longer call her cute but stupid. She is still super cute and not as stupid as she used to be. Wednesday night I gave her a new toy that requires some thought to figure out and she was able to get it immediately. My sister’s dogs were never able to figure it out.

This morning when I got out my suitcase she flipped out. She knew it meant Mommy was going away and she wanted to be in my lap every time I sat down after that. At 60 lbs she is not really a lap dog, but I still hold her in my lap.

Pepper Paybacks

2008-03-07T08:40:00.001-05:00

As many of you know my co-workers love to play practical jokes on me; the latest 2 involved putting fake insects in key places around my office and caution tape surrounding my office. The last 2 happened within days of each other. Well the insect guy I paid back by locking his keys in his desk. I am still working on the caution tape guy but I have figured out how to get the heart guy back (my current BAW).

My BAW is out on company travel and today I thought of and executed the perfect pay back. My BAW is a coffee drinker and has his own 4 cup coffee maker on his desk. Every morning without fail he makes himself a pot of coffee. However when he returns to work tomorrow he will find that his coffee tastes a little different; Why you might ask? It is because I have saturated his coffee with pepper. I mixed it in and you really can’t tell visually and I am hoping you won’t be able to smell it either. I will keep you posted about the results.

Apathy

2008-03-06T08:45:00.001-05:00

I am experiencing a weird emotion for me, apathy towards my love life. Complete apathy on whether anyone calls, comes over or even pays attention to me. Romantic apathy is a totally foreign emotion for me; it has left me wanting some heart ache. The mere fact that I am craving a heart ache puzzles me. I can only imagine that my complete lack of caring has brought on a desire to feel something extreme like pain. Perhaps it is because I have hurt for so long and spent so much time distancing myself emotionally from the Love of my Life that I can no longer care.

Tonight is my night to stay home, one of only two nights a week that I stay home. I have had requests for going out and they don’t appeal to me at all. It is mainly because this is my night home. I could invite company over but that doesn’t appeal to me either. I really lack any interest in seeing anyone right now.

Apathy:
1. lack of feeling or emotion
2. lack of interest or concern

Sport's Injuries

2008-03-01T09:17:00.000-05:00

It was bound to happen; really only a matter of time before my complete inability to skate coupled with my unique talent to hurt myself caught up with me. Finally on the night that I started to see some improvement in my skating, I can do right side cross over and I am handling the puck inside of just trying to hit it; it happened. I was battling for the puck in front of the net and I really don’t know if I was hit, if I lost what little balance I have on the ice or what but the end result was me falling right on my head.

Not a little fall, an enormous smack, a cut tree landing with a thud right on the back of my head. I saw stars. I stood up and thought wow my head really hurts and I was a little dazed. I skated for a 15 minutes more and decided it was time to leave the ice. In the locker room my head continued to get worse and my neck decided it did not want to be left out and started to hurt too. By the time I reached home my back decided it wanted to join the party. Finally my consciousness went south too and I can now claim 2 concussions to winter sports injuries.

Only enough blood for one head

2008-02-28T19:35:00.002-05:00

Have you ever noticed the look on a guy’s face in the middle of the “act”? Universally he looks completely dazed and drugged. The look is not dissimilar to a crack addict that finally gets his fix and can feel the drug beginning to course through his veins. It is a small wonder after viewing this drug like state in a few men’s faces that women think there is only enough blood in a guy’s body for one head. Does sex induce a drug like addiction from men? When a guy has that look on his face, I feel like I could get him to do anything for me at that moment. It is a disconcerting feeling to have that much power over a person even if it is just for a moment.

The funny thing is I think I should like seeing that look but I don’t. Every time I see it I am reminded that men are stupid especially when it comes to sex. It reminds me that a man can not be trusted and when in the throws of lust is incapable of thinking about anyone else. I am reminded that they only have enough blood for one head.

I am not your nurse

2008-02-28T08:29:00.001-05:00

The flu is raging through my workplace. I normally don’t pay attention to sickness which is probably why I have had walking pneumonia twice. However this flu was not to be ignored, it started with a mild sore throat and within hours it had knocked me out cold. I went home sick from work for the first time in my adult life. It is a week later and I am still not over it. I was so sick; I missed ballet class, hockey practice and skiing. It is the main reason I have not written in a while.

When I am sick I want to taken care of more than any other time in my life and I like to be taken care of all the time. I am also not a good caregiver when other people are sick. I think the Love of my Life destroyed any caregiver tendencies I had; he was such a baby when he was sick. Now the Kid is sick, the only person who attempted to give me any care during my sickness and I just can’t return the flavor. I am not a caregiver and I am so not the mother type. I hope he gets better fast and on his own so I don’t have to feel guilty.

I need more ammunition

2008-02-13T00:33:00.001-05:00

Once again my co-workers have found it necessary to play a practical joke on me. About this time last year I had a collection of conversation hearts on my desk, one of the best candies ever made. The problem with conversation hearts is only the white ones are good and the pink ones edible and therefore I had a whole container of hearts that were not eligible for consumption. Thus the green and purple hearts became projectiles in my cubicle village. If I needed their attention I launched a heart over the cube. If I was bored and one of my co-workers on the phone I launched a few more hearts. Over the course of months we all had ammunition and used it whenever needed.

I have been out of the office for the last week and today I went to open my cubicle shelf and 900 hundred conversation hearts spilled out. My co-workers had rigged up tape, paper and a cup full of hearts so that when I opened the cabinet the hearts would spill everywhere and they did. I hate my co-workers and I need more ammunition.

Protective Mothers

2008-02-13T00:31:00.001-05:00

My life lately has been incredibly eventful but I will start with the most traumatic experience. Sunday was the first nice day that my little corner of the world has experienced in 6 weeks. It was sunny, over freezing pleasant day and I decided to take Meadow on a walk. About 1.5 miles into the walk I heard some people yelling at their dog. I turned around to see a male pit bull bearing down on Meadow. I immediately flew into action; I reached down and put my entire upper body over Meadow.

The pit bull impacted my face but Meadow was entirely shielded from the attack. I picked Meadow up and shouted at the pit bull. The pit bull took off in the direction of the people yelling at him. At that moment I just wanted to get my baby away from that dog so we took off in the other direction. About 2 blocks from the scene I thought “Wow my face really hurts.” A couple blocks later it hurt more; I checked for blood but didn’t see anything. When we finally arrived at home I looked in the mirror and flipped out. My entire right side of my face was bloody with 3 distinct claw marks. The area of my face that really hurt on the walk was blood free but red and possibly from his teeth, though I am not sure.

The scratches had broken the skin but they weren’t really that deep. I was pretty freaked out because I was certain that it would look terrible and the scratches started at my sun glasses and extended all the way down my neck. I wanted sympathy and TLC fast so I sent the following text message to various people. “I was just attacked by a pit bull while protecting Meadow and my face is messed up!”

Now as you might imagine the response was immediate and alarmed, I should have included that I was okay in the message and only my vanity was hurt. Today only one scratch is visible with my makeup on; the bruising is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

Shopping cart contents

2008-02-10T17:15:00.000-05:00

I live in a really small town of 18,000 residents where almost everyone knows everyone else. Today I went to the grocery store where I knew the cashier through a mutual friend. In my cart was black sheets, a case of beer, 6 different valentines, steaks and condoms. The cashier gave me a knowing look and said “Wild plans?” I looked at my stuff and it dawned on me how bad it looked. It looked like a seduction scene from a really bad movie or one that might take place in a trailer. I did not even think what my small town neighbors might conclude from my shopping cart contents when I was throwing stuff in the cart. I stammered “It is not what it looks like”.

It is a lot more innocent than it looks; I have friends coming in from out of town, the sheets, steaks and beer are for them. I found out my 15 year old younger brother is having sex the condoms are for him. The valentines are for the various men in my life right now.

The Drain Guy

2008-02-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

I have toyed with the idea of relating my romantic woes on this blog. I have shied away from it primarily because my blog is not as private as I would like and I am a very private person. Oh sure the most outrageous stuff imaginable leaves my mouth but a vast majority of it is made up. It is the way I hide what is really going on in my life. Another way would be not to talk but that doesn’t seem to be an option for me.

However this story is just too good to not share. Saturday when I was getting ready for my hockey game, my toilet stopped working. As I was going to retrieve the plunger I noticed 4 inches of water in my laundry room. “Mother F**ker!” was the first thing out of my mouth. I mildly freaked out for a minute or two and then felt very sorry for myself for another 5 minutes and then called Roto-Rooter. They had a guy at my house in an hour. The drain guy was easy on the eyes too. He asked me where my main sewer clean out was and I was baffled and told him that I would call my ex and ask. Of course my ex knew where it was and an hour after the drain guy started my drain was clear and an hour after that my laundry room was cleaned.

Now the interesting part; Sunday I get a text message saying “Hello, I thought you might want to talk”

Me “Who is this?
Them “Steve (name has been changed)”
Me “I still don’t know who you are”
Them “I was at your house on Saturday, this is really awkward.”

At this point I thought he was crazy, no one was over on Saturday. I missed my hockey game because of my drain and then it hit me it was the drain guy.

Me “I think I know who you are but to be sure what were you doing at my house on Saturday?”
The Drain guy “Fixing your drain, do you want to get together and talk?”
Me “How old are you?”
The Drain guy “23”

Holy crap! It is flattering and as I mentioned he was easy on the eyes too. I did not flirt with the young man; I guess I still have it.

Always a bride's maid never a bride

2008-02-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

I am eating way more than I need or should. I have also failed on the whole exercise plan but my active lifestyle is compensating and I have 10 pounds to go. My youngest sister is getting married in 6 weeks and it would be great to lose the weight in time for her wedding. Though I am already half her size and I don’t want to intentionally look better than the bride.

I have my first fitting for my maid of honor dress tonight and I don’t want to be part of her wedding. I really don’t want to be maid of honor; I think that position should be reserved for her best friend. I don’t think I am her best friend; in fact it depresses me to even entertain the idea. By my way of thinking her asking me to be the maid of honor is to ensure that she has a great bachelorette party.

I will throw her a fabulous bachelorette party, the one I threw for my sister Brittany is still talked about years later. For Susan’s bachelorette party I am planning on hiring a driver and bus to take us to the nearest gambling town, 2 hours away. I will rent suites for the party and hire visual entertainment not to mention provide everyone will a whole surplus of alcohol and food. Do you think it is enough? Or should I also plan a scavenger hunt in the casinos and bars?

Coming home, not a sweet homecoming

2008-01-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

I returned to this place for a man. Judge all you want and condemn all you want; everything you are thinking is probably true and more. What I didn’t realize is either the man or this place (probably both) suppresses something in me, something that is interesting and good. For those of you who don’t know here is a little glimpse of what I was before returning here and what I hope to be again now that the man is gone and hopefully soon the place.

Little big

A little drugs
a little alcohol
a little suffering
a little counseling
a little hell for a little girl.
A big career
a big car
a big mortgage
a big shopping list
a big life for a big girl

You remind me

You say I remind you of girl you once knew
You remind me of how to fall in love
You remind me of butterflies in the stomach
You remind me of being beautiful
You remind of heart skipping moments
You remind of being free
You remind me that life can be carefree
You remind me of pain and uncertainty
You remind me of responsibilities
You remind me of goals and dreams
You remind me of why I don’t want to be free
You remind me that there is more to life than this
You remind me that I hate falling in love
I say you remind me of place I never want to be

To the man who loved me unconditionally

Can I walk a mile in your shoes?
Can I match you stride for stride?
Your long legs and beautiful height
My little black shoes over tights
And you would never refuse
But now all I can do is cry.
And the memory of us brings a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye.
And my heart weeps

Read to me

You are hurt and unable to move. I want to help you. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to give you something wonderful and pure; you who have given me the greatest gift of all, your love. Let me find a story that will inspire you and not offended me. Let me take time out of my busy life to take you somewhere away from the pain and the monotony. Let me see your face light up when I walk through the door. Let me show how much I love you, and let me know that you know no one will ever replace you in my heart. Let me watch your features soften and drift to someplace peaceful as my voice whispers you to sleep, where you are safe and free from pain. Let me read to you.

I am hurt and the pain inside makes it hard to move. I want someone to help me. I want to be shown how much I can be loved. I want to find something wonderful and pure; someone to give me the greatest gift of all, again. Find me a story that will inspire me and make me smile. Take the time out of your life to lift me up in your embrace and comfort me for all time. Let me see the love in your face every time you look at me. Show me how much you love me; such that I never for one minute feel alone, and know that no one will ever replace me in your heart. Let my features relax and the tensions leave my body as you whisper me to sleep, where I am safe and free from pain. Someone please read to me.

I want to go away

2008-01-21T21:22:00.002-05:00

There might be worse days in my life to come but Sunday holds the current record. I hurt the love of my life more deeply than I thought possible and it hurt me in return. It has left me reeling and a drift. I am drowning and I have no idea where to look for a lifeline. I don’t know what is good for me anymore, I am lost and everywhere I look is confusion. My life is a blizzard, where the sky, ground and everywhere I turn my head I see the same slate grey and I can’t feel my path. I don’t know where the obstacles are any more, nor do I know how to be happy.

I want to run and hide. I want to curl up in a little ball and hide under the covers and wait for this storm raging around me to subside. I want to go away. Away, I don’t know where it is and I don’t really care right now. I know away is not here, away from the turmoil, away from the drama, away from the uncertainty and away from the pain I have caused and the pain I am in. In away there is the hope that there might be someone to shelter me and protect me. I want to go away.

For a brief moment there is peace

2008-01-09T20:39:00.000-05:00

Update: Tuesday: 11 lbs to go, 150 crunches, 30 pushups, Ballet class, diet: way too much for dinner

I did not exercise this morning but Wednesday is my evening workout day. The whole dieting thing is hard for me. I am not even restricting myself all that much, just smaller portions and no junk food but I have only successfully dieted one day so far.

I love the burn, the soreness and the pain. I love pushing my body beyond the limits of what I think it can do and discovering a new threshold. Most of all I love that I think of no one and nothing else while I push myself to the limits and just for a brief moment I have peace. Soon after the push stops and the endorphins fade you come crashing in but you will not defeat me because there is a place without you. I have found a place where you can not hurt me, where my heart sores as the burden of you disappears and for a moment I am free.

The First Step

2008-01-07T21:33:00.000-05:00

Update: 60 minutes cardio, 30 pushups, 200 crunches, 12 lbs to go. Diet so far so good but I have not had dinner yet.

I have a spending problem. There I said it; the first step in any 12 step program is admitting you have a problem. This past holiday season I went a little nuts with the whole retail therapy thing. I bought, bought and then bought some more, to the point that I am broke. I am acutely aware of my problem too and I have arrived at a point that I am forced into some sort of restriction. You see I live in a 4 bedroom home and 3 of the 4 closets are filled with my clothes and shoes. So when I purchase something new I give something away, a new pair of shoes and an old pair has to go, the same holds for shirts, pants, pajamas you name it. It has been quite effective in limiting my boot shopping because there is not a pair in my closets that I can be separated from.

Well in the depths of my holiday despair this year I went a little crazy. I bought 4 new turtlenecks, 5 sweaters and 2 shirts (along with many other non-clothing purchases). Now I have to get rid of 11 shirts in my closet and I don’t own anything that is more than 2 years old and most of my shirts have only been worn twice (at the most). There is nothing I don’t like in my closets and there is nothing that doesn’t fit. All my shirts will still fit when I lose the 12 lbs too; it is the beauty of being tall. My current BAW and the Kid tease me non stop about my addiction. I declared after the holiday break that I was not going to spend money for 30 days.

My BAW and the Kid now have a bet to see if I can go 30 days without spending money. My BAW thinks I can not make it past this weekend and the Kid thinks I can not make it past President’s weekend. The thing is that I am not sure that I can do it. At times I laugh at the 30 day restriction, I can so not spend money, and yet this morning while getting dressed and I could not locate my new yellow bra to match my yellow shirt and I almost went on line to the VS semiannual sale. I already have two very big drawers full of bras and matching panties. I am going to make it 30 days and not just to spite my two relentlessly teasing co-workers either (well to spite them a little bit). I am going to make it 30 days because my spending has become ridiculously out of control.

My nose is not a toy

2008-01-06T21:17:00.001-05:00

14 pounds to go, isn’t that just lovely 3 days after I make the resolution to lose 12 pounds I actually gain 4 pounds. That is my karma. Okay update time: Saturday cardio, 3 alcoholic beverages and I ate everything in sight; no muscle toning and no stretching. Today (Sunday) I did my complete workout, 300 crunches, 30 male pushups and 40 triceps dips while I continued to eat everything in sight. I still have not started stretching but do you have any idea how hard it is to work out on the floor with two dogs in the house? They seriously think it is play time. Tonight while doing my crunches Meadow thought it was a great game of keep away where I was trying to keep my nose away from her.

Oh and you have all just provide enough guilt for me to stretch. I hate stretching.

Resolution

2008-01-05T19:42:00.000-05:00

I don’t normally make New Year resolutions. I am not really a goal orientated person, go figure. However this year I am making a resolution. I want to be the weight I was pre marriage. According to my scale this morning that is 10.2 pounds I need to lose but to be fair I really think it is 12 pounds. Twelve little pounds does not sound like a whole lot does it? One would think I would be able to shed them in recorded time without even thinking about it, but I have struggled with these 12 pounds since they first appeared, right after I turned 25. Add to the struggle that I am the world’s worst dieter and a junk food junkie. I also have never stuck to an exercise program in my life.

The only redeeming factor in this whole struggle is that I play sports and a lot of them. If it wasn’t for the sports I would be the size of the good year blimp. Oh and I am fairly tall so with my clothes on you can’t tell that I need to lose 12 pounds. You never know there might be a day when I care what I look like naked; you never know it could happen.

Today is the start of working towards my goal. I have already stumbled eating 2 cookies that the really boring guy brought to work today. The current plan is 30 pushups, 300 crunches and 30 triceps presses a day, cardio 4 times a week and stretching 5 times a week. I absolutely hate to stretch but I really need it. The whole diet thing is going to be drinking less alcohol, eating healthy and less.

Today’s progress report: 10.2 pounds to go, 30 male pushups, 150 crunches and 10 triceps presses but the day is not over yet.

Final report: 30 minutes cardio, 3 alcoholic drinks and way too much for dinner.

I have skills

2008-01-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

I started ski lessons on Saturday. It is just something I do, I take classes. I love classes. I love learning anything and everything, hence the PhD. I also love to ski and exercise. I take ski lessons almost every year. It is a way to ski more and also to make sure my technique does not suffer. I did not know how I ski (seriously I can’t watch myself ski) and I have always thought I was an okay skier. I used to ski with DB who had a brief visit on the US ski team and I paled in comparison to his skiing and thus was never certain of my skills. Oh I can ski any terrain (not out of bounds), moguls, small cliffs and all groomed runs but I am not happy about some of the places DB took me.

Well sport’s fans I have SKILLS. I started my advanced class, mainly geared to racing and the instructor recruited me to be an instructor! Spin Doc will soon be a ski instructor; I start my certification next month.

I have to say it rocks! I feel like a pro. I have SKILLS.

The problem with us

2007-12-28T16:57:00.000-05:00

I said, "You are always yelling at me."

He said, "I am not yelling at you. That was the problem with us; you always thought I was yelling at you and I wasn't."

I thought, "The problem with us is you are happy and I am completely miserable"

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas

Chasing Dream

2007-12-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

I pulled out my china and started getting ready for a Christmas Eve wine and pasta dinner I am hosting. While unpacking and washing my china I can’t help but think on how different a person I am than I thought I wanted. I put my China on layaway when I was 16 years old. It took my 5 years to pay off my China and it is beautiful.

I had the dream of growing up and hosting fancy dinner parties on my beautiful China. I dreamed that I would be the perfect house wife, hosting the best dinners and parties for all my husband’s associates and clients. I even thought I would be the perfect mother. I would spend my days working out, getting manicures, pedicures, attending classes, cooking even painting. I would take my children to practices and never miss a game.

That was my dream at 16 and I had the start of making that dream come true, the china, the successful husband but I don’t like to cook. I don’t have the patience for painting and my hands spent too much time in chemicals for manicures. I do like pedicures but they don’t take up an entire day.

I don’t know what my dream is now, but they ones I chased when I was 16 are no longer for me. I don’t know that they ever were. I still have a complete set of beautiful china, with matching leaded crystal wine glasses (red and white) and real silverware.

New Car

2007-12-23T10:41:00.001-05:00

I bought this little thing for myself yesterday. I call it my Birthday and Christmas present. I also bought it to be my snow/ski vehicle, my dog transport vehicle and my hockey vehicle.

Reason number one on why I like living here

2007-12-22T22:53:00.000-05:00

Past 24 hrs:
7"
Past 48 hrs:
17"
Storm Total:
31"

Wardrobe Malfunction

2007-12-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

There have been many embarrassing blog entries about wardrobe malfunctions at work over the years. I think I remember Izzy Bella claiming to have a sock (or something of that nature) work its way out of her pants at work. Apparently she took them off inside her pants the night before and wore the same pants the next day, of course wearing new socks and not checking for old socks. I am truly sorry Izzy if it wasn’t you that this happened to, but you guys get the idea. Well I am here to add to the list of embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions at work.

I wear thongs, I like them. Today is no exception; I wore a string thong straight for Victoria Secret today (relatively new too). I also attended a luncheon at work with my entire cost center. When I went to leave I noticed that my stuff felt liberated but I did not think much of it. Later in the day a brief restroom visit led to the shock of my week. My thong broke! Have you ever heard of such a thing? It broke right in two and with nothing to keep it in place it was now outside of my clothing all bunch up. I have no idea how long it was like that and who was witnessed to my bunched up broken panties outside of my clothes. I do know that the said thong was broken by the time I finished lunch. Oh well at least it is Friday.

Indian Food

2007-12-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight is my night to stay home, no hockey practice, no ballet class and no social functions. Of course tonight is also the night that I was asked to dinner and I kind of want to go. It is an Indian restaurant and I love Indian food. The invite came from the Brown Boy (not his real name) and he is funny and charming. I really enjoy his company, now don’t go getting excited here, we are just friends. He does not meet my number one requirement of having compatible religious beliefs. It is also quite a drive to this restaurant and it is my night to stay home and read. I think I just talked myself out of it; I am going to stay home and play with Meadow and heat something up in the microwave and read.

Candy Canes

2007-12-11T19:54:00.000-05:00

After much begging, pleading and out right asking I have a desk full of candy canes!!! I love candy canes; they are probably the best candy ever made. I really like the big ones, I love how sticky they get (get your minds out of the gutter). It is all traditional candy canes for me, no flavored ones or colored ones. I like the classics.

One more rambling:
How is it possible for a half grown dog to push me out of bed designed for two full grown dogs and two adults??

Christmas Ornaments

2007-12-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

Our first Christmas together, do you remember? I bought a cheesy ornament with the date on it; not paying attention to the colors or style. We could not afford the tree of my dreams. Each year I would add a few ornaments and a few more pieces of garland; each piece carefully selected to flow with the entire ensemble. It took years but I was finally able to decorate the tree, as long as we put it in a corner (We did not have enough ornaments or money to decorate the whole thing). I recall the first year we could decorate the whole thing; it took almost ten years and a lot of time, money and effort but I finally had the tree of my dreams. It was exquisite too, but our cheesy first Christmas ornament no longer fit. It was blue and as you know my tree is burgundy and gold. I still put it on the tree for sentimental value, but lower and in the back where it would not catch the eye.

I put it up again this year, in the back where it would not catch the eye, but whose eyes am I hiding it from now? It is just me now and I know it is there but I can't not put it up, for sentimental reasons....

Bad Day

2007-12-08T11:52:00.000-05:00

My yesterday was traumatizing. My “good girl” Willow had surgery; she had an abscessed tooth. It started last week when her face swelled up to the size of a softball. I knew she had to be in a lot of pain with that much swelling but not one single cry escaped her lips. I took her to the local vet and long and short of it was he did not feel comfortable taking the tooth out. I actually really appreciated his honesty and called my sister Brittany to take out the tooth.

Brittany called about 90 minutes after I dropped Willow off to say everything went well. I had just arrived home as Brittany’s clinic is far, which is why I don’t regularly take my dogs to her, when a few minutes later my phone rang and I ignored it (which I often do) but when I listened to the message it was Brittany saying I had to get down there right now. I went into instant panic mode, my heart dropped and I grabbed my stuff and sprinted out the door as tears were falling down my face. When I finally talked to Brittany, everything was okay but Willow did not like being in a kennel and needed comfort. It took me the next 2 hours to calm down from that message. In fact I don’t know if I am truly over it, I don’t think I could take losing her at this stage in my life. I love her more than anything else.

Willow was in a lot of pain yesterday and kept crying. It broke my heart to hear her cry especially when she never cries. Today she is resting more comfortably. I hate subjecting my dogs to painful and scary situations that they don’t understand.

I miss DC

2007-12-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

I was in DC earlier this week and I miss the area so much. I miss the people. DC is a city of professionals, all ages, all professions, all sexes and all races. In the middle of nowhere I am surrounded by people who are all the same; they fall into two groups married with children and young. Not just young in age but young in maturity and lifestyle. So I split my time between hanging out with the Kids incorporated and my married with children friends.

I don’t have a single (single) professional friend in my age group. I have fun with the Kids incorporated but I just don’t have that much in common with them. I have fun with MWC friends too but their lives and lifestyles are dominated by their families (as it should be). I was in DC and talked with so many people who are just like me, professionals, single but have lived a bit of life and learned from life’s experiences. It might be time for me to return to a bigger city. I do love my job and at times I like how simple my life is out here but it is also incredibly lonely. What I really need is a good girlfriend that actually has time for me in their life and is physically close.

What your favorite color says about you

2007-12-01T18:51:00.001-05:00

White: Symbolic of purity, innocence and naivete, white has strong connotations of youth and purity. If you are an older person, your preference for white could indicate a desire for perfection and impossible ideals, maybe an attempt to recapture lost youth and freshness. It may also symbolize a desire for simplicity or the simple life.

This is actually a little scary on how accurate it is; I am a perfectionist and I strongly mourn my youth and my life has to be simple as I said before I can't take chaos.

My First Hockey Game

2007-12-01T13:53:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I played in my first ice hockey game. I have been really reluctant to play because I am still struggling to skate and I have not even started figuring out how to handle the puck. I am trying, seriously I am trying. I don’t know if I am giving it everything I have but I am giving it everything I am willing to. I practice twice a week and go to an open skate once a week. I am getting better but the progress is slow. I get very angry and frustrated with myself that my body does not do want my mind wants it to. I also feel guilt and frustration for letting down my coach and team members; there are so many things to think about and I have no hockey memory. I know it will come but I am really hard on myself and I don’t know how to stop. I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself but it is part of who I am.

I had 3 friends come to my game last night and 2 of the 3 friends were fun and encouraging. The 3rd friend (the Kid) spent the entire time after the game criticizing me. Now I know I suck, I know that I am not doing what the coach wants me too; I know I am not playing the game how it is meant to be played. I did not need to hear how I am completely failing on the ice right after my first game ever; two months after I stepped on the ice for the first time. It really hurt to be criticized like that and I even asked him to stop which he didn’t. I don’t know if I am going to be able to play another game any time soon.

More help needed

2007-11-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

I bought a new LCD TV on black Friday. I was up at 5:30 am and visited 4 stores and bought bungee cord just to get my new TV. Well today I found out the store I bought the TV from has a 14 return policy if the television does not work. My new TV is still in the box. The room where I want to put it in isn’t complete. I have not bought a stand for it. I have not bought chairs to sit on when I watch the TV. I now have days to buy a new stand and test my TV. I will be out of town next week thus this all has to be done now. Of course I am once again faced with needing help now and I hate it. I didn’t want to ask anyone for help and I didn’t this time. The Kid volunteered; of course after I bitched all day at work today about needing help and have no one in my life to help me. But hey I will go with the pity vote right now, it is all I have.

I told the kid we would test the TV tomorrow after I purchased a stand tonight. He said you can just take it out of the box test it and put it back in the box. I can’t. I know other people can but I can’t. It is more chaos and I can’t take any more chaos in my life. I have never been good with chaos. I can’t have it in my house, in my sanctuary. I can’t have clutter in my house, I can’t have dirt in my house, I can’t have every surface covered with knick knacks. I know why and I accept it.

I am off to buy a TV stand; followed by ballet class. I really need it today.

Office Furniture

2007-11-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

I took the entire Thanksgiving week off of work and one would think I would be totally rested and energized to come back to work. Well one would be wrong to think that. I am going through a major over haul in my life which includes redecorating most of my house. I still have so much to do at home and it is really depressing me that my house is in chaos. Oh and did I mention that I hate shopping which has been a real problem this last week. I spent the greater part of the week shopping, assembling and cleaning my place and still have so much to do.

I bought a new computer desk; when I opened the box I almost broke down and sobbed. The thing had 42 separate pieces, which did not include all the brackets, bolts, screws, nails and cabinet hardware. I have never had to assemble something on my own before and I really did not want to put together the desk. I called every “man” in my life and not a single one was willing to help me assemble the desk. Ten hours, one broken bolt, one smashed finger, one seriously scratched desk (it was really heavy and I dropped it) and all my finger nails broken I put the stupid thing together. I don’t feel empowered. I knew I could do it, I just felt bitter that I had to do it on my own. Assembling that desk without help was almost a deal breaker for me and the people in my life. In fact I am still angry about not having people in my life that I can count on to help me.

Seven Random Things

2007-11-22T11:08:00.000-05:00

I got tagged by IzzyBella, so here goes. Enjoy the randomness.

1. I am addicted to Nicotine gum, seriously I chew at least 10 pieces a day.

2. I am right there with Izzy Bella. "I’m a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Angel, and any other little thing Joss Whedon decides to do. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I’m a Joss Whedon fan. Joss is boss. I love my Captain. But I didn’t make that little saying up. Someone else did."

3. I won't eat or drink anything past the purchased by date. I am afraid of getting food poisoning.

4. Again in almost agreement with Izzy; I’m a big dog-lover. I have two black labs, Willow and Meadow, and they bring the happiness into my life.

5. I don't like cats or little dogs. I think there is something wrong with a dog that is only 2 pounds. My dogs are ~100 pounds each; well the baby is not yet but she will be.

6. I am of the plant variety; I actually start to die if I don't get enough sun. I am a textbook case for seasonal depression.

7. I love to have my picture taken even though I take terrible pictures.

Now the rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I am not going to tag anyone but go ahead and tag yourself.

Children

2007-11-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

I was trying to figure out the other day when I decided not to have any children and the thing is that I have never made that decision. Oh I have told people that I didn’t want children from about the time I was 21 but I never really meant it. When I was saying I didn’t want children, what I exactly meant was not right now. I was raised in a society whose primary goal is to procreate; all my childhood friends had children by the time they were 21. Women in the society I was raised in inspired to be mothers and nothing else; I didn’t want to be like them so I started saying I don’t want kids. Though in the back of my mind it was always a matter of when; after college became after graduate school and then it was post-doc and failed marriage. The more my friends, family and ex pushed for kids the more I came back with never.

Thus I don’t want kids, is more I don’t want them in this situation at this time. Now it is too late. Oh I know you are all going to say that it isn’t really too late, but I can’t wrap my little head around finding the right guy who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I believe that when you have a child with a guy then you stay with that guy until you send that child off to college. Note that doesn’t apply to abusive men but all others you are stuck with for years. I am not capable of trusting myself or a guy that much to commit for 20 years no matter what. I can honestly say I don’t want children now, but not because I don’t want children but because I don’t want the man that comes along for the ride too

Weekend ReCap

2007-11-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend was so full of stuff I don’t even know where to begin; well I guess I will start at the beginning with the “date” with the very old man. It started out fine but as the evening progressed the very old man offered up his romantic services to me, if I should feel so inclined. I have to tell you, I can’t even wrap my mind around seeing a man 45 years my senior romantically. I told him such too. The problem is this very conversation was brought up a few years back and I thought my total refusal to even entertain the notion was crystal clear. He is not Hefner, and even if he was I am not a girl next door. All I can say is YUCK!! I think we can maintain our friendship but I really don’t want to send the wrong signals to him. I did tell him there was absolutely no chance that I would be anything more than friends with him. He is older than my grandmother.

The second major event was dancing with the ladies on Saturday night. We went to the “big” city and spent the night. It was mildly amusing and good for my self-esteem. I had the traditional group of spin doc fans hanging out around me all night. I had a few drinks bought for me, but unfortunately I was the only one in the group that received a lot of male attention. The funny thing is I was the one who really didn’t want it. I never want it when I am dancing and I really didn’t want it Saturday night. I also hate it when some random guy comes up behind me and starts grinding on me. In general I don’t even let the man in my life do that; there is no way I am going to let a stranger grind on me. All these men were standing around watching me dancing all night, and watched man after man strike out, and yet they still attempted to grind on me. Perhaps they thought my resistance to the male animal would dim with each rejection and they might be the one that I would let grind on me.

Finally, I have been burning the candle at both ends and in the middle. I really need a weekend all to myself with no social obligations. I would even settle for a few week nights at this point. Oh yeah and I am still sick.

Hey Mama

2007-11-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

When did calling a woman mama become a sexual compliment? Like foxy, sexy or even babe (another one I don’t get). I have to say when I am called Mama by some guy I don’t take it as a compliment. The number one reason is that I am not his mother and I don’t want to be. I find it disgusting that a man would look for a mother figure in a mate. That he might consider me as that mother figure totally turns me off. I don’t want to be anyone’s mother; hence I am childless by choice.

The second possibility is that he wants to breed with me, which is also not a great sell. “Hey Mama, I want to knock you up so I can be a dead beat dad.” Seriously where do men come up with this stuff? Now maybe if I was the mother of your children you could call me Mama as term of endearment but trust me some random guy at the club I am not the mother of your children. I absolutely hate being called Mama by some guy; I think it is demeaning and inappropriate. Perhaps men know this and they only want to annoy us with calling “Hey Mama” or they only want women who like the idea of taking care of them to respond.

Note to any guys who reads my blog or randomly comes across this blog, do not call women Mama when trying to be complimentary (unless they are your mother or the mother of your children) because I am sure I speak for the majority here, we DON’T like it.

Any nurses out there?

2007-11-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

Being sick turns me into a weak, pathetic and dependent person. I feel very sorry for myself when I am sick and I just want to be taken care of. I want someone to bring me chicken soup and rub my feet. I want to crawl into bed and be pampered. When I am sick, I am weak physically and emotionally. I am needy and on the verge of tears, and I want someone’s arms around me; gently kissing my head and asking if I need anything.

I hate being sick. I hate not having someone to take care of me when I am sick. I am irritable, with a sore throat, stuffed up nose and achy body. Right now I would cherish the person who took care of while I am sick for the rest of my life. I am feeling very sorry for myself right now.

Pumpkin Pictures

2007-10-30T08:27:00.000-04:00

This is the Kid's Work

This is my master piece

Appointments

2007-10-30T08:19:00.000-04:00

Why is there is so few female gynecologists? I have put off getting that annual exam for many reasons but now I am ready to get an exam and I can’t. These are my requirements in order of importance:

1. The doctor MUST be female
2. The doctor accepts my insurance
3. The person doing the exam has a MD, which is it self is not assurance they are qualified but I taught physics for pre-med students and I have been terrified of all medical providers since. The idea of a nurse practitioner diagnosing me scares me even more than a MD.

So with that list of requirements I set out to make an appointment today, to no avail. All the female doctors within a 70 mile (yes 70 miles) radius are completely booked and only taking pregnancies. All the men at the clinics were available, which makes me wonder what kind of man is a gynecologist? Seriously, I can’t wrap my mind around it. Of all the medical disciplines, why would a man choose gynecology? Oh and how much can one expect HIM to truly understand about the female body? I can just see myself responding to a comment like “This won’t hurt” or “You will feel a slight discomfort” and saying “How in the hell would you know?”

Cell Phone

2007-10-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

In my travels and adventures last night I lost track of my cell phone. I know where my phone is but it is not with me right at the moment. My cell phone is my only phone, I use it all the time. I talk while I drive (yes I am one of those people). I text a million times a day, well not really but a lot. I check my phone none stop. The people I talk to daily have custom ring tones. In other words I love my phone and use it all the time. I realized that my phone was missing late last night on my way home, and I really thought I would miss my phone today. I don't; I don't miss the sucker at all. I don't care whose call I am missing. I don't care that I won't talk to another person all day. I don't have any urgent (stupid) ideas I have to share with my friends right now. I really like how it feels not having a cell phone. I think I might leave it places more often.

And then you came

2007-10-14T14:19:00.000-04:00

And then you came to me. You wanted to take care of me, to love me, to rescue me. I needed to be rescued; I just didn’t know I had to rescue myself. You with your pain free life, your uncomplicated wants and desires, your simple mind and life. I let you love me and you did, completely. I let you take my pain; humiliation, suffering and I gave you all that I had. You took it with a smile; you took it because you got me every minute of the day in return. It was enough for you, it still is.

And time elapsed, and I learned to heal in the safety of your love. I learned my wants and desires in the comfort of your financial embrace. I found myself; all the while you patiently waited. You loved me through the whole process, now matter what hell I put through your way on my road to self-discovery.

And now I don’t need you to rescue me or take care of me. I have discovered how to rescue myself. I have given you so much pain; in the finding of myself I have almost destroyed you. I owe you so much, and yet I can’t stop hurting you. I hurt you because your love is suffocating me. Perhaps if I hurt you enough you will leave, but you are still here. My leaving you might destroy you, and I don’t know if I can do that to you. If I don’t leave you I might destroy me, and I don’t know if I can do that to me.

Fear

2007-10-13T13:44:00.000-04:00

I hate could have, should have, would have feelings. The doubts and second guessing that comes with making decisions about my personal life. In my professional life I rarely have could have, should have, and would have feelings. I vaguely recall that I did early in my career and now that I think about it I did a lot when I was younger. I can recall obsessing about stupid things I said, bad presentations I have given or general screw ups. Over the years I learned a something priceless when it comes to my career, no one listens to you. In general no one recalls the exact things that you say, just how you say them. It doesn’t matter what your answer is just as long as it is quick, decisive and confident. Your life it just not that important to everyone else, you really have to do something major for the general world to pay attention. For example if you flip out in a meeting, break down crying or bleed everywhere people remember that but everything else is gone.

Thus I make decisions and I don’t obsess about them, and even if they are the wrong decisions I know I can deal with whatever the outcome is. I still feel this way even now when my decisions involve the lives of other people. Don’t be confused I am not cavalier with other people’s lives and never knowingly put them at risk. In fact I do everything within my power to protect people but I still am willing to make decisions and not overly obsess about them. So how do I translate that confidence in my professional life into my personal life? Get a PhD in love? Because at the heart of my confidence in my professional life is a very strong background in knowledge and experience. I just don’t answer quickly, decisively and confidently, I really DO know what I am talking about.

The counterargument is I have been in a relationship since I was 15, yeah that right less than a month alone since I was 15. That is a whole lot longer than graduate school, post-doc, teaching, conducting pure research or working in industry combined and I still don’t have a strong knowledge or experience base. However I think I can deal with whatever the outcome is and being alone, which I am not even now, would not be so terrible. Isn’t that it; the fear of being alone, but what is so bad about being alone? Wow I think I am on to something here.

My only light

2007-10-09T08:15:00.001-04:00

To the world you may be just one person,
but to just one dog you may be the world!!

Skinny Jeans

2007-10-06T17:22:00.000-04:00

I have been cycling between dieting and exercise since I was 25. I go through spurts, exercising hard for a few months and then slacking for a few months (or more). Needless to say I have been unhappy with my body for a long time. I am currently in the mist of a good run on the exercise front and the whole diet thing. I have been playing a lot of sports and eating less and I am finally seeing the results. Last week I bought work pants and they are a size 8. That is right a size 8, my goal is to wear any size 8 pant comfortably regardless of the designer or style.

The true test was this morning; I brought out my skinny jeans. The jeans I wore when I had no body image issues; the jeans that I couldn’t bring myself to throw away when I started becoming a “big girl”. They are size 7 jean and back in the day they fit me comfortably. This morning for the heck of it I tried them on. I was really nervous when I put the first leg in the pant thinking; oh there goes my self-esteem for the week. I was certain I would not be able to get them over my thunder thighs and even if I did not over my rear but guess what sports fans? I pulled them all the way up! I did not have to lie on the bed or suck it in to zip them up. I did have the whole muffin top thing going on but I was able to put on my size 7 jeans!! I did not wear them because they were too tight around the waist and the fact that they are extremely dated. The waist was much, much higher than I am used to wearing but yes a size 7 jean fit.

It is only a matter of time before I am true size 8 and that size looks great on my 5’9” frame.

Protection

2007-10-05T08:51:00.000-04:00

I am finally starting to get geared up for hockey which is not an easy or cheap task. I bought ice skates, hockey socks and something called a pelvic protector. It does not require any stretch of the imagination to picture a pelvic protector. It is a V shaped piece of plastic, an insert to a pair of biker shorts. The shorts are equipment with a nice little pouch where the insert goes. So imagine me in a locker room full of seasoned hockey players putting in my insert.

I opened the little pouch on my shorts and started sliding the cup (an appropriate term) into place when; Wow stop the press it was touching my stuff! Not just touching it, up close and personal and very distracting. I immediately moved the cup off my stuff; it is a pelvic protector (it says so right on the package) and not a stuff protector. Noticing my embarrassment a well meaning teammate instructs me that I have not placed it correctly. Apparently the cup needs to go over the stuff a lot farther down than I had it; and it is right up close and personal to my stuff with only a thin layer of material between it and me. I am not sure how to ask my teammates about the intimate contact the cup is making with my stuff and how my normal movement causes relative motion between the cup and my stuff and seriously how to stop it. I still have not figured out how not to wind up sprawled out on the ice when I stop or turn and now this distraction.

Hockey is a lot harder than it looks.

A terrible story

2007-09-28T08:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I heard of a story of a young woman who went to an all male college dorm and knock on the first door, upon entering the women offered her sexual services. According the narrator she then moved onto the next door, at this point I absolutely refused to hear anymore of the story. I am not by any definition prude or naïve but this story really upset me. It upset me because if it was true I immediately thought of the childhood that she had to endure to get to that state. I thought of the horrors out there that are capable of destroying this woman’s sense of self. I also know that they do exist and many children are forced to live in a nightmare. I also know that if something doesn’t destroy you it does not make you stronger, it makes you broken.

This woman was broken and I can not revel in her misery. I can’t hear the manifestations of the brokenness. It also made me acutely aware of how truly unfair life can be. It is unfair that childhood can break someone and it spirals into uncontrollable self-destruction. It is unfair that someone can break you but only you can fix yourself.

Silver Lining

2007-09-26T08:07:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned that I am playing on an all women’s hockey team and that I am terrible. Actually beyond terrible, I don’t even have the words to convey how bad I am. In fact the coach has turned into his personal mission in life to make me a good hockey player and he seems to miss that I need to actually be able to skate first. He also has missed the fact that I am a very busy person, I travel at least once a month, I play softball, I am the vice-president of the local ladies golf association and I am the mother of a four-legged terror and even though I have sworn off men for the rest of my life I do want a social life. Not the mention ski season is almost here, and skiing is in my top five favorite things to do on the planet. My ice hockey coach wants me to practice every day but enough of this complaining and on to the silver lining in my ice hockey woes.

My all women’s team has a locker room and gearing up and down for hockey requires us to get in various states of undress in front of one another. Silver lining time, I have the best naked body on the team. Yes I said it, and yes it is true and yes it makes me feel great. I know I should not feel so much happiness in having a better body than the twenty something’s but I do. In fact I like it so much that I almost strut around naked, well not really but I don’t try to take off my sports bar underneath my shirt so no one can see my stuff. I get dressed and undressed in the most efficient comfortable way and let the whole locker room see my stuff and I am proud. I feel guilty about my pride but in small way it makes the whole humiliation on the ice a bit better. I wonder if this is how men feel in a locker room when they know their stuff is the biggest in the room.

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve

2007-09-25T08:28:00.000-04:00

Why is it that people have zero accountability when they hurt your feelings?

Ice Hockey

2007-09-21T08:16:00.000-04:00

In my insatiable desire to stay busy all the time and to maintain a good physique I joined an ice hockey team. Now some of you might remember that I have played hockey before, floor hockey, but this whole ice skating thing is new to me. I am here to tell you that it is MUCH harder than it looks. It is nothing like skiing either. I play a lot of sports and I thought some of that talent would carry over to the ice but I was so wrong. I don’t think I have every truly sucked at something as much as I suck at skating. And go figure, skating is a huge factor in playing ice hockey. I have watched people skate and now that I have gingerly pushed myself across the ice and landed flat on my arse, I can’t imagine how people ice skate. I am thinking it is magic. I am serious, I have no mind/body awareness when it comes to the ice unless you count my body sprawled awkwardly across the ice.

It is an all women’s team which has its good and bad parts. I can’t flirt/charm my way out of sucking. I can’t flash a smile or make a racy remark and be forgiven for my lack of ability because I am just so darn cute. I also enjoy the company of women over the company of men. It is much easier to talk with women. The women are not as forgiving of my complete inability to skate. Another good thing is I have sworn off men and not playing sports with them is a good start.

You learn new things every day

2007-09-19T08:04:00.000-04:00

I constantly learn new things about me and after all this time I am still shocked when it happens. Somewhere in my mind I think after all these years with myself; I should really know who I am and it throws my whole thought process off when I learn otherwise. Recently I discovered if I am in emotional pain from one source, I shut myself off from every source. When I look back at my behavior over the years I realize this is true, but I did not know I was doing it until two days ago.

I think of all the major painful events in my life and realized they also lead to major life changing decisions that removed me from the people that I loved. It is really self-destructive behavior and yet I use it as self-preservation. I am not alone in this response. I think of my best friend Marge, who lost her son to a tragic accident when he was 15 and she shut down emotionally. Fortunately for her and her family she did not completely shut down. Why is it when I need people the most, I run from them?

By the way, I am back. I am not going to let the people who think they can trap me, accuse me or hold my personal thoughts and feelings against me keep me from my blog. No one truly understands what is going on in my head, not even me, regardless of what I write on this blog or any other place.

It is time to find a new hiding spot

2007-07-26T07:42:00.000-04:00

My blog is a web log; a log of my random thoughts, feelings and life occurrences. It is not a forum to keep up with friends and family. It is not a forum to organize socially activities. It is not a forum to meet people though I do appreciate most people I have met while blogging. It is a forum for me to share my thoughts and feelings in an anonymous and safe atmosphere. Unfortunately people in my life can not respect me or my blog. They have come sneaking into my bedroom, searched my belongings for the sole purpose of finding and reading my diary. Therefore it is time to find a new hiding place. It is also time to find people who respect me and my blog.

I am saying goodbye for now to this blog. To all my blog land friends; you will be sorely missed.

What does she have?

2007-07-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had lunch with my current BAW. Immediately after we left the cashier line we walked past the woman I consider to be the most beautiful woman at work. Which is no small feat; there are over 4000 people at this facility. Naturally our lunch table conversation started with considering who the most beautiful woman at work is. We looked around the cafeteria and then brought up people we knew; this is when my BAW went really quite. “You know” he said, “You are the most beautiful woman on plant.” I was shocked and secretly reeling with pleasure. I replied “You must want something.” To which he replied my appeal has to do with how I carry myself and not just my appearance. I know I am not hideous but by no means the most beautiful in any large crowd.

Now I have heard this statement about how I carry myself more than once and I know what they mean and yet I don’t. I can see it in other people but I don’t know really what it is, and I don’t know what it is in me. I wish I knew what it was so I could turn it up when I needed too. When I see it in other people it seems something like confidence but more, kind of like knowing and liking who you are, I really don’t have the words. Does anyone know what I am trying to say here? What is it when you see a person who is attractive but not a show stopper and yet some how they are a show stopper? What does that person have that another person more visually appealing does not have?

Critical

2007-07-20T07:50:00.000-04:00

Today I was called critical; it is not the first time I have been described by this adjective.

Critical

1. inclined to criticize severely and unfavorably
2. suggests a tendency to judge by unreasonably strict standards
3. characterized by a tendency to judge harshly

I don’t think I judge people severely, unfavorable, by unreasonably strict standards or judge too harshly. I hold different people in my life to different standards, which is true of everyone. And if you are not in my life I hold you to have empathy and sympathy towards your fellow human beings and that is it. If you are in my life I hold you to a standard based on how much you are in my life. The more you affect my life the more rigorous the requirements to stay there.

If you want my love and to love me in return the standard is vastly different than if I just work with you. This is also completely normal. If you are not willing to come up to that standard then your penetration into my life will reflect that. This is not a bad thing. Now that I think about it, the people who accuse me of being critical are the ones right on the edge. People I am considering letting further into my life, and usually the ones that do not meet the standard I have set. It would be insane to let people deep into your life that you can not trust or respect.

I have been burned a time or two by letting someone in who betrayed my trust, but for the most part I have been very lucky. I have a great network of friends who I love and who are always there for me. I have never been lonely other than when it is by choice or sometimes by not making a choice. I think I will stay with my critical ole self.

Favorite Day

2007-07-18T07:42:00.001-04:00

Today is July 17th my favorite day in the whole year as far as numbers go. I also love summer so it is an additional reason for this to be my favorite day. I don’t have a better reason than 17 is my favorite number (it is the day of my birth) and July is my favorite month. Nothing special or life changing has ever happened to me on this day and I don’t think today is going to be any different.

If I could have something special or life changing today, what would I want it to be? Well the simple one is someone to send me flowers. I love flowers, in fact I am sucker for flowers, and I will forgive almost any transgression if the flowers are pretty enough. I will also fall hard for a guy if the flowers are frequent and beautiful.

Or I could golf a perfect game tonight, except that might just ruin it because I know I would never come close to repeating that feat.

I could get a super big promotion at work, in fact that is it, if I had to choose what I wanted today to make this day life changing and special it would be a super big promotion at work.

First Loves

2007-07-11T08:06:00.000-04:00

My youngest sister Susan is getting married. Susan is my half-sister and was raised in my father’s home, and isn’t like my other sister Brittany (or me). Susan is fat and really annoying and kind of stupid. I know it sounds harsh but it is true, she is 25 and is marrying her first boyfriend. The planning of Susan’s wedding has got me thinking about my first love and whether or not it would be a good idea to marry your first love.

I went into my first love with no reservations, no inhibitions, no cautions, no shame, no pride and completely unprepared. He was beautiful, tall and skinny. All these years later I still like them tall and skinny. I remember his full name, after he rejected me I used his name as a swear word. I still use part of his name for passwords, I remember his birthday was in the fall and that is about it.

I couldn’t let go of him, I gave my entire heart to him and I have never even come close to doing that again. I have never loved someone so completely since and I know I never will. I actually regret that I am incapable of loving like that again. Fortunately I did eventually let go of him but it took me years, good thing I fell for him when I was only 15. I was over him sometime around 19. I am so glad he rejected me because I would have never been able to let go of him and if I had stayed with him I know I would not like the person I am now and I DO like the person I am now.

My concern for Susan is she will love her man completely and won't be able to let go and he won’t be good for her, just like my first love was not good for me.

Not very smart

2007-07-10T07:56:00.000-04:00

The baby is sweet but I don’t think she is very smart. Yesterday when I dropped her off at the puppy sitters, I was reminded of the fact that she is just not the brightest bulb on the strip. The sitters have a sloped front yard with a retaining wall to the driveway; the retaining wall varies from 4 feet high to about 6 inches. They also have a circular approach and yesterday Meadow and I came in from the rear of the house. As we walked around the side of the house, Meadow spied the sprinkler spouting water. Her favorite plaything in the world! Meadow took off for the sprinkler that was watering the front lawn. At ninety miles an hour she hit the sprinkler, skidded on the lawn and went sailing off the lawn unto the driveway, smack on her back.

I laughed so hard, it was all that I could do to make sure she was all right.

After shopping I picked her up and ninety miles an hour she came running to my vehicle only to smack right into the door. She wasn’t even fazed but I was surprised that she did not leave a dent in my door.

Rafting Photos

2007-07-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

Note there were 7 people on this raft and you can only partially see two of them (yes one of them is me) and the hottie guide.

Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of the really big rapids either, our camera man wanted to experience those too.

Storm

2007-07-04T16:06:00.000-04:00

Storm
By Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

Something I don't like

2007-06-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

I am the type of person that loves myself to a fault but I have discovered something I really don't like about myself. I can't take any common courtesy or help from someone I don't like.

I am stuck in the nine aspects of hell in the middle of paradise. Yes I am still in Hawaii, isolated, surrounded and sought after by people I can't stand. I am at a resort (with no car), where all my food, drinks, entertainment, exercise, beach time and leisure is spent with these people.

Yesterday we worked a half day and took a tour to the black sand beach. Now in any other walk of my life I would have had someone looking out after me, someone to carry my stuff, someone to run back to the room if I forgot something, someone to put sun block on my back. There were takers yesterday who wanted to fill this role and I just couldn't. I can not take anything from people I can't stand and everything from people I like. In fact I was irritated when they insisted on doing small favors me.

I don't like this about me, I should be abusive and mean to the people in my life I don't like and nice to the people I do. Instead I take a lot from the people that who are a joy to have in my life and I want them there and nothing from the people who don't want in my life but are willing to give whatever I ask for.

Absence

2007-06-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

I awoke last night
The pillow and moonlight cast a shadow
Hunger and desire gripped me low in my body
And I reached for you
Only to be startled completely awake
With your absence

Leap before you look

2007-06-22T08:23:00.000-04:00

In case you could not tell I had a fabulous time on my rafting trip. I enjoyed every bit of it, the adventure, the company, the partying, basically the whole thing. We had three guides, one for each boat, the female for the oar boat, the hottie for the paddle boat and Big O for the S-rig.

At night we would sit drinking in a big story telling circle and Big O was a fabulous story teller. He started every story with No shit there I was and by the end of the week I couldn’t even start a phrase without No shit there I was.

The trip was so good for me; it had been so long since I have been happy I almost forgot what it was like. The trip reminded me that I was losing myself again, losing the adventurous and a bit reckless side of me, the part of me that I really love. I am going to try to get out of the pattern of life that is making me miserable. I want to embrace the side of me that is scary, reckless and leap before you look. I am truly happy when I do.

Well I am off to Hawaii, I am not planning on blogging while gone but you never know.

No shit there I was for a third time

2007-06-20T19:30:00.001-04:00

No shit there I was yet again riding the bull through rapids 28, 29 and 30. Now for you Cataract Canyon buffs you might be thinking I am making this up but rapids 29 and 30 just appeared this year, and as a result they are rapidly changing each week. Rapid 29 is quickly becoming one of the bigger drops on the river and by far the biggest drop in the end of the Canyon.

After the big drop three I thought I would take a break from paddling and switch over to the oar boat, but being the little adventure seeker that I am I wanted to ride the bull. The bull is the very front of the boat and you sit on it and let your legs dangle out of the boat, like riding a mechanical bull with nothing to straddle. Now our totally awesome, hard-core, amazing female river guide said I could ride the bull (the first to do so the entire rapids stretch) but I would have to get back in the boat for rapid 29, because I would definitely “swim” if I rode the bull through 29.

So no shit there I was still riding the bull into rapid 29 with the promise I would not fall out. We crested the top of the 10 foot drop and I thought on shit there is no way I am going to hang on! I huge wave crashed into me three feet over my head attempting to violently throw me off my perch on the bull. The wave swamped me with the force of a truck; the wall of water was 10 times the size of me. I held on and kept my perch mainly to show the queen of the river guides that I had game!

I was once again vaulted into celebrity status; everyone who watched could not believe I held on. I would have liked to swim but a promise is a promise. I did wind up with some wicked rope burns and a wrenched shoulder to show for my efforts but the body is meant to be sacrificed in pursuit of adventure.

No shit there I was again

2007-06-20T07:43:00.000-04:00

No shit there I was on a six passenger single engine prop Cessna about to take off when in the middle of taxing the pilot aborted. I kid you not we screeched to a halt 10 feet from the end of the runway and 30 feet from the edge of a cliff. The pilot turned to me and over the noise of the engine yelled “I didn’t think we were going to make it!”

Runway is a generous term, more like an old forgotten strip of road in the middle of nowhere. The pilot had us get off the plane, turn it around and then he taxied back to the take off area leaving us to walk back. Walking back in the sweltering 100 degree weather I seriously weighed my options; the best seeming to bring out the girls and hitching a ride back to Moab. I assessed the probability of surviving a serial killer assault verses surviving that plane trip and the serial killer looked like the better bet.

When we returned to the plane the pilot claimed that the plane needed to cool off, hello in 100 degree weather baking on that strip of black top??? The cheerleader than said one of the greatest lines of the entire trip; “If you don’t think we are going to make it, the by all means don’t try it.” I started laughing in hysterics, hysterics because it was funny and hysterics because I was near a break down. I was scared for the first time the entire trip, off the river, out of the rapids and I was scared.

Finally I convinced myself to get back on that plane and I white knuckled gripped it all the way back. Every ten minutes or so my internal logical side of my brain would remind my fear saturated side of my brain that hanging on with all my strength would not stop the plane from crashing and I would release my death grip but a 6 foot air drop and I would grasp the oh shit handle and hang on. I spent the entire trip looking for likely landing spots in the event of a catastrophic engine failure and assessing how long it would take for rescue crews to reach us.

I will run a river any day but I will need some serious medication before I take that plane ride again.

No Shit There I Was

2007-06-19T07:21:00.000-04:00

No shit there I was on the top of frog’s hole on big drop three of Cataract Canyon coming in sideways. Now if there is any place on the big drop three you don’t want to be in a 8 foot paddle boat is the top of frog’s hole, and no shit there I was. After scouting the hole from the top, looking at the river and knowing I could be anywhere on that section of rapids except in frog’s hole and after being told by our esteemed and super hot river guide that no matter what we did not want to end up in frog’s hole, there I was.

It started when leaving the eddy where we shored up to scout big drop three, it was the all forward command followed shortly by dig in, and then the hottie guide really started freaking out! Dig In! He screamed over and over again; panic welling in his voice with each DIG IN. All 7 of us in the boat were paddling for our lives and safety, literally. GIVE IT ALL YOU HAVE! He screamed and then it was too late, I was staring sideways down into the biggest hole I have ever seen, a Class V rapid and we were coming in hot. Fortunately 5 of us were experienced white water river rats and launched ourselves into the wave that descended crashing on top of us. The side of our raft was 5 degrees shy of vertical. I dove into the wave, which seems like a suicide thing to do but in reality it is the only way not to flip the boat and survive. Four of us threw everything we had into that wave, life and limb and the wave crashed us back into our seats.

If you survive frog’s hole (80% of the privates and 40% of the commercial single oar rigs have not) it then becomes the wildest ride of your life through a chain of erratic 15-footers into the Gut. Satan’s Gut, the huge pour-over in Big Drop three. After that it’s a mile or so more with five big rapids, and emphasis on big.

When we finally cleared the rapids we were celebrities. No one believed we were going to make it out without a call to life flight, but all 7 of us were intact in the boat and only some really interesting bruises, wrenched muscles and one hell of story to tell to show for our ride. To say the least it was one of the best moments of my life.

I worry too much

2007-06-10T17:16:00.000-04:00

Friday

The mass did not have the physical appearance of a standard benign tumor, it contained more white tissue. Of course I won’t know what that really means until Thursday. I am also supposed to leave on my rafting trip next week. I still have not decided if I am going to cancel or not. It all depends on how Meadow is doing this evening. I pick her up in an hour and I will reserve final judgment on the trip until I see how she responds to the surgery.

Other than a rapidly growing mass on her back she seems unaffected by events. She is still a terror except when sleeping. She still loves her belly rubbed more than anything in the world. She knows her sit command and walks well on a leash. I was planning on starting her in school next month.

I can’t help but worry about this thing. The only thing I know now is that it isn’t a mast cell tumor and it is not a Histiocytoma nor did it contain a foreign object that behaved very bizarrely. I don’t even know the probabilities, is it more probable that it is malignant cancer? It really isn’t logical to worry about it at this stage. And even if it is cancer I don’t the possible treatment options. I think I am being very irrational with this whole thing. Perhaps I am preparing myself for the worst, when I lost Frodo I was devastated for 2 years. It took me that long to be willing to love something (anything) again.

Sunday

Meadow is truly unaffected by the surgery, see is still a terror.

Some light at the end of the tunnel

2007-06-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

The pathology returned negative to mast cells, which is a really good thing. Brittany and the Vet are in agreement that they still want to remove the growth and have it biopsied. The surgery is still scheduled for Friday.

This morning I noticed that my bedroom smells like Meadow, yes she sleeps with me, and the smell is very comforting.

Thank you for all you supportive and wonderful comments. I will keep you posted.

Life comes at you fast

2007-06-05T08:14:00.000-04:00

First of all thank you all for the wonderful reading recommendations but life has a way of taking turns when you least expect it. I found out on Saturday that Meadow has a mast cell tumor. I don’t know what stage it is, one being a solitary tumor confined to the dermis without nodal involvement and progressing up to stage IV; being any tumor with distant metastasis or recurrence with metastasis. The primary pathology is being done today and she is scheduled for surgery on Friday.

My sister Brittany was out of town on Saturday when I found out. Brittany is a vet too, but she does not live near me so I take Meadow to a local vet that she recommended. Brittany is coming up after work this evening to give me her opinion, but from our phone conversations she is in agreement with the mast cell tumor diagnosis. She also is very concerned about the tumor considering Meadow is so young and typically these tumors are only seen in old dogs.

To say it mildly I am traumatized. I can’t stop crying at my desk. My only hope it that I am overreacting and this is going to be a simple procedure and Meadow will be back to being my little terror in a week or two.

I need a book

2007-06-01T21:53:00.000-04:00

I have been in a reading funk lately. I have not really found a new hidden gem in the pages of a book. So I have taken to reading and sometimes rereading literary classics, in hopes that they are classics for a reason. However I am still disappointed, I am not saying that the books have been mislabeled as classics but they are just not what I am looking for. I finished The Awakening by Kate Chopin recently and while reading the book for the first time in my life I thought briefly about suicide. I felt trapped and helpless; like I was on a runaway train, speeding out of control on an already laid track with no ability to change the situation. It was the foreshadowing of Edna’s suicide that I was feeling while reading and it was powerful but it still left me wanting when I finished the book.

I am now rereading To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I first read this book as a child in middle school; I loved the book at the time. I can’t recall if it was from my initially reading of the book or references after it but I had morphed the part about Boo Radley into so sort of nightmare with a villain, where Boo is the villain. Given that I just started the book yesterday that might still be true but right now I just feel very sorry for Boo. I am enjoying To Kill a Mockingbird but it is still not what I am searching for, I want a book that grabs me and entertains me. I want a book that takes me away to a place full of mystery, adventure, love and happy endings. I don’t want a book that changes the way I think, attempts to educated me or gives me an alarming insight to the human condition through a simple story. Right now I can’t take a poorly wrote book either, is there a book out there that meets my needs? I am on a quest, any suggestions?

Week Two

2007-05-29T10:31:00.000-04:00

Weekly update on diet and exercise plan; morning weigh in 165 lbs which is exactly how much I weighed last week. It is really depressing to not even have lost a pound. I did really well at the beginning of the week but failed miserably over the long weekend. In the spirit of full disclosure (again) I am going to list the days that were a little lacking.

Thursday; partial exercise
Friday; 2 apple caramel crisp (homemade) bars and a brownie
Saturday; brownie and a Oreo fudge milkshake
Sunday; complete failure, brownie and a entire bag of Doritos (at a Barbeque)
Monday; brownie and two pieces of chocolate

My weekend exercise was excellent, 5 miles on Sunday and another 4 on Monday. Yesterday I was so hungry, that I had a steak for a snack. That might explain the lack of weight loss this week. I was also very hungry on Sunday too. I made brownies Friday night and hence the brownies showing up every day.

Sunday I attended a barbeque and all the women there were dieting in one form or another. One wouldn’t eat her steak because of the fat and everyone was staying away from the treats. Not one of the guys worried about it and only one guy there had a great body. In fact the men needed to stay away from the “bad” food more than the women. Why don’t men care about their appearance as much as women?

I have heard all the reports saying that men are not judge by their bodies as much as women but I don’t find a man desirable if he has a terrible body. I can’t even imagine dating a fat man. I think I am more critical of a man’s body than I am of mine (seriously it is easier for them so they have no excuse). Perhaps most men just don’t care if women are judging them on their appearance.

Seduction Style

2007-05-25T10:38:00.000-04:00

I "stole" this from the unacknowledge Genius.

Window to the Soul

2007-05-24T13:10:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I had an eye appointment and I was very concerned that my eyesight had deteriorated to the point that I needed glasses. I think glasses are for geeks. Now I know people who wear glasses who aren’t geeks, and actually look good in glasses. Even though I am decades removed from the playground I can’t leave the playground mentality behind. If I put glasses (other than sunglasses) on my face then I am a nerd. Now I know I used to be the queen of the geeks, the title no longer applies now that I have lost my court, but I am vane. I am really vane about my eyes, they are one of my best features and they are spectacular. I dread the day I have to cover them up with glasses.

Thankfully I don’t need glasses I have 20/20 vision, which is not the 20/10 I used to have but still too good for corrective lenses. I also have something like focal fatigue from staring at this stupid computer screen for countless hours. The only thing I need to change is getting up from the computer more often.

Update on the family front my youngest sister, Susanne, is getting married. Or at least that is the current plan, I am mildly concerned. This is her first boyfriend and they have only been together about a month. My youngest sister was raised in my father’s house and is not like the siblings I was raised with. Susanne struggles with self-esteem issues, weight problems and general social interactions. I am happy that she is happy but I am also concerned that her first love will end badly (like most do). Though there is nothing I can do to protect her and she might learn something from the experience.

Monday Update

2007-05-21T16:03:00.000-04:00

Weekly update on diet and exercise plan; morning weigh in 165 lbs I did not weight myself last Monday so I can’t say if I lost weight or not. Overall I did really well but in the spirit of full disclosure I am going to list the days that were a little lacking.

Monday; one chocolate chip cookie
Tuesday; piece of chocolate cake
Friday; partial exercise
Saturday; complete failure, Wendy’s for lunch and dessert with dinner
Sunday; partial exercise

This morning exercise was really good, 3.1 miles. I want to increase the amount of miles I run each week so next week my goal is 3.5 miles. Increasing a half mile a week is a slow increase and won’t tax me too much. I also won’t burn out. I have a problem with pushing myself and then burning out. I have also really tried to increase my daily activity level, cleaning the house, yard work and walking instead of driving to various meetings at work.

Smooth Metallic Rods

2007-05-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

Diet and Exercise update; I exercised yesterday after work but I could not muster the motivation to exercise this morning. However the day is not over yet. I also maintained my diet even though I really needed some ice cream yesterday before my friends cheered me up. This is cut and pasted from an email exchange yesterday with my new friends at work.

From: Spin Doc
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 8:31 AM
To: Funny Girl and ElleSubject: RE: train ride

Ladies,

The train ride is Friday, Saturday return Sunday to XXX and back to XXX. We will leave Friday (early morning) and return Sunday around noon. My mother is on this route for the next 6 months. We should start planning on dates to take the trip; the entire month of June is out for me.

Spin Doc

From: Funny Girl
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 12:46 PM
To: Spin Doc and ElleSubject: RE: train ride

Huh??
Can I get a little more info please??
Thanks!

From: Elle
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 12:48 PM
To: Funny Girl and Spin Doc Subject:
RE: train ride

We're taking a TRAIN RIDE on Amtrak, in which Spin Doc's mother will be the LEAD TRAIN ENGINEER (how cool is that?)

I have a fetish for trains...big time.

Let Funny Guy keep the kids for a weekend for you to party with the girls... :-D

From: Funny Girl
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 12:54 PM
To: Spin Doc and Elle Subject:
RE: train ride

So you have a fetish for large, smooth, metallic rods that surge forward while rhythmically releasing hot moisture??

From: Elle
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 1:22 PM
To: Spin Doc and Funny GirlSubject:
RE: train ride

Right and you don't... ;-)