You learn new things every day

I constantly learn new things about me and after all this time I am still shocked when it happens. Somewhere in my mind I think after all these years with myself; I should really know who I am and it throws my whole thought process off when I learn otherwise. Recently I discovered if I am in emotional pain from one source, I shut myself off from every source. When I look back at my behavior over the years I realize this is true, but I did not know I was doing it until two days ago.

I think of all the major painful events in my life and realized they also lead to major life changing decisions that removed me from the people that I loved. It is really self-destructive behavior and yet I use it as self-preservation. I am not alone in this response. I think of my best friend Marge, who lost her son to a tragic accident when he was 15 and she shut down emotionally. Fortunately for her and her family she did not completely shut down. Why is it when I need people the most, I run from them?

By the way, I am back. I am not going to let the people who think they can trap me, accuse me or hold my personal thoughts and feelings against me keep me from my blog. No one truly understands what is going on in my head, not even me, regardless of what I write on this blog or any other place.