Fear

I hate could have, should have, would have feelings. The doubts and second guessing that comes with making decisions about my personal life. In my professional life I rarely have could have, should have, and would have feelings. I vaguely recall that I did early in my career and now that I think about it I did a lot when I was younger. I can recall obsessing about stupid things I said, bad presentations I have given or general screw ups. Over the years I learned a something priceless when it comes to my career, no one listens to you. In general no one recalls the exact things that you say, just how you say them. It doesn’t matter what your answer is just as long as it is quick, decisive and confident. Your life it just not that important to everyone else, you really have to do something major for the general world to pay attention. For example if you flip out in a meeting, break down crying or bleed everywhere people remember that but everything else is gone.

Thus I make decisions and I don’t obsess about them, and even if they are the wrong decisions I know I can deal with whatever the outcome is. I still feel this way even now when my decisions involve the lives of other people. Don’t be confused I am not cavalier with other people’s lives and never knowingly put them at risk. In fact I do everything within my power to protect people but I still am willing to make decisions and not overly obsess about them. So how do I translate that confidence in my professional life into my personal life? Get a PhD in love? Because at the heart of my confidence in my professional life is a very strong background in knowledge and experience. I just don’t answer quickly, decisively and confidently, I really DO know what I am talking about.

The counterargument is I have been in a relationship since I was 15, yeah that right less than a month alone since I was 15. That is a whole lot longer than graduate school, post-doc, teaching, conducting pure research or working in industry combined and I still don’t have a strong knowledge or experience base. However I think I can deal with whatever the outcome is and being alone, which I am not even now, would not be so terrible. Isn’t that it; the fear of being alone, but what is so bad about being alone? Wow I think I am on to something here.