Children

I was trying to figure out the other day when I decided not to have any children and the thing is that I have never made that decision. Oh I have told people that I didn’t want children from about the time I was 21 but I never really meant it. When I was saying I didn’t want children, what I exactly meant was not right now. I was raised in a society whose primary goal is to procreate; all my childhood friends had children by the time they were 21. Women in the society I was raised in inspired to be mothers and nothing else; I didn’t want to be like them so I started saying I don’t want kids. Though in the back of my mind it was always a matter of when; after college became after graduate school and then it was post-doc and failed marriage. The more my friends, family and ex pushed for kids the more I came back with never.

Thus I don’t want kids, is more I don’t want them in this situation at this time. Now it is too late. Oh I know you are all going to say that it isn’t really too late, but I can’t wrap my little head around finding the right guy who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I believe that when you have a child with a guy then you stay with that guy until you send that child off to college. Note that doesn’t apply to abusive men but all others you are stuck with for years. I am not capable of trusting myself or a guy that much to commit for 20 years no matter what. I can honestly say I don’t want children now, but not because I don’t want children but because I don’t want the man that comes along for the ride too