Not really back

I don't think I am "back", for a number of reasons but the two main reason is that I don't have any time and well...

I was going to say that I am in a much different place in my life right now but emotionally that isn't true. I, like the rest of the planet, used the blog world to vent a side of me that I could not share publicly. The side of me that was dominating my life and not in a good way. My life has changed and until recently I did not need to vent but that has all changed. The good news is the stress is no longer personal but work related. However my frustrations are only with myself and I can not point a finger to anyone else. I don't have the time or the desire to bore you with the details of my inadequacies.

Having said that my stress level is insane. I am struggling to cope. I am also struggling with "good enough" for the rest of the world and "good enough" for me. It is two vastly different things and I am not ready to throw in the towel. So my stress is self generated to a large extent, I could just do my job with low stress and not try to fix my corner of the world. Perhaps it is my youth and lack of experience with this position, but in the end I would be satisfied with learning and I hope to fix my corner of the world.

Now is the time

Conflicting wants and desires

Now is the time to realize that there is conflicting wants and desires. Now is the time I realize that I can't have it all. I want to be the woman that has the diamond tennis braclet. The woman that is adorned, the woman that outshines everyone. Oh wait, that isn't reality. Do I want to buy my own castle in the sky or do I want someone to sweep me up on their white horse and take me there?

When life was free

I remember a time when I would sit with the movers and shakers. I remember a time when all I thought was calculating. Listen more, be engaged, respond to the right people; and now I think about not being alone. I didn't realize the power in you was freedom to be the best in me. Now I think about finding you, the calculating me has been supplanted by the searching me.

I made a mistake. We made a mistake. I don't know how to go back.

Itinerary

I have totally disappeared from the blog world and the reason is I have been extremely busy. I was reflecting on all the things I did this summer and I wanted to document that this has probably been one of the best summers of my life. Oh and summer didn’t end until last weekend for me, here is a list of my weekends:

Hum last weekend, Napa Valley; where I kissed a girl, attended a concert and had fabulous food/wine

Weekend before, K’s birthday; oh that was fun! Dancing, drinking, eating and hanging out with great friends

Weekend before, Janeane’s Visit; nut cups for all

Weekend before, San Diego; where I had a behind the scenes dolphin encounter and attended another concert, though counting crows called in sick. I didn’t even know they could do that!

Weekend before, Peach Days; mucho alcohol had by all and temporary tattoos

Weekend before, Solider Hollow; my sister’s dog is the national champion, go sis! Oh and a 12 mile hike in the rain which was too much

Weekend before, Dancing with the girls; oh welcome to the trailer park

Weekend before, my diabetic friend’s wedding; note to self, open bar is not an invitation to see if you can make them run out of alcohol

Weekend before, Southern Utah; Fabulous shopping, dinner and concert

Weekend before, Cabin trip; simply amazing, 8 mile hike (just the right amount) followed by the most beautiful scenery while relaxing and drinking a beer.

Weekend before, Post River trip and Slumber party; lots of work

Weekend before, my diabetic friend’s bachelorette; hockey players are crazy and do not go into NBA player’s hotel rooms

Weekend (extended) before, Chicago; One of the best trips of my life, perfect balance of relaxing and doing

Weekend before, the women I met on the plane’s party; entertaining but not something I would do often

Week before, river trip; COLD!!!

Weekend before, the old man’s wine party; not as much drama as I thought consider 3 different men I was dating were in attendance

Week before, Central America; SAND FLIES!! Not good

I am hoping this is enough of a list to remind me of all the fabulous things I did this summer and that right now I love being me.

Thursday in Chicago

I had the best visit in Chicago. I spent the holiday weekend with my very first BAW and his wife. We stayed up very late and slept in everyday. We drank way too much alcohol and experienced all the stuff the city had to offer. The train ended up being the focal point for all the truly bizarre experiences of the weekend.

Thursday we went to the Taste of Chicago and it was mildly entertaining. The crowds were insane. They were primarily composed of young people wearing radically inappropriate clothing. And a note to the not so fashion forward, if you squeeze your size 16 frame into size 6 outfit that belongs in a strip club do not go to a food festival and eat more! We wandered around the taste making fun of all the crazy people that crossed our path. I know it is mean but I am not known for being a nice person.

Eventually we made it to the water front and claimed our spot and proceeded to drink our fill in liquor. We brought extra, you know just in case the festival ran out. After the fireworks, which were the best in the nation, we made our way back through a million people to the train station. I have to say a crowd of a million people is something to behold and fortunately I had more alcohol in my veins than blood so I didn’t care that there was so many people.

In fact we played a real live version of Tetris meets pong while getting back to the station. Yes I was part of the really drunk string of people running through the crowd. I am sorry but it was a lot of fun and we made it to the train on time. Once on the train I promptly passed out only to be awoken 2 hours later by a young kid collapsing in our car. One of our friends went over to help and it soon became apparent that the young kid needed help bad. He had too much to drink and probably more and passed out; he also stopped breathing shortly before our stop. When he stopped breathing and started turning blue, one of our party started CPR and I dialed 911. Well to be fair I dialed 411 first, in my drunken panicked state, I stayed on the line with the 911 dispatch until they arrived at the train. I also pulled in the emergency stop handle, wow that was drama. I am not sure if the kid was okay, he couldn’t have been a day over 21.

That was the most dramatic/traumatizing train ride but the rest involved sex, vulgarity and public exposure.

How to make a woman feel special Part II

My “How to make a woman feel special” post has received a lot of attention over the years. It continues to receive a lot of attention and people have requested that I update the post to include more suggestions. The most important thing then and now in keeping a woman happy in a relationship is to make her feel like she is special. The more successful you are at making her feel special the happier she will be.

When I first wrote the list I was compiling a “to do” list for a guy that I wanted to win my heart but instead I discovered it was wonderful opportunity for all my friends to reflect on what great guys they have in their lives. It made everyone a little happier and more appreciative of their lives for a while. Now I don’t want to reflect on what the men in my life do to make me feel special as I am trying to let go of them. However I will once again enlist the help of my friends (and readers) in making another list of what makes you feel special. So does the guy in your life do to make you feel special?

I will post the results when I return from Chicago.

She is such a slut

I think I need medication. Somewhere in my crazy thought process I thought it would be a great idea to get a roommate. My logic seemed flawless; I have a lot of space, I am gone all the time, a built in carpool to work, the extra money would be great and a help around the house would be greatly appreciated. The first flaw in my logic was apparent when all his stuff arrived, a lot of stuff; more than the 500 sq feet that I allotted to him! My kitchen cupboards, refrigerator and freezer are stuffed. I hate having so much clutter around even if it is out of sight, and not everything is out of sight. My second flaw was apparent when I was getting dressed for work in the morning and walking around nude it no longer an option. My third flaw was apparent when my traitor dog has decided sleeping with my roommate is better than sleeping with me. She is such a slut!

Being a woman is a nightmare

Being a woman is a nightmare, there are times when my hormones are so out of control I am incapable of being rational. Of course being the incredible logic motivated creature that I am I have been tracking my hormonal swings and putting a notice into my brain that I am not allowed to make any potential life changing decisions while in the throes of the hormonal hurricane. However this month, no anger, no swings, no apathy, no wanting to divorce myself from everyone and everything, no wanting to runaway, no needing space, nope it is worse! I am needy!

Needy, pathetic, weak and I just want to be held. I want to lose myself in someone’s broad chest and strong arms. Of course I realize I am once again being irrational but I will not be able to stop myself from acting on it. I will call someone to come and hold me tonight and they will. I will also be affectionate, needy and vulnerable. I won’t feel the same in 48 hours; they still will. In fact they will feel like they are finally making some head way into my life, and I am sorry you are not.

Maybe today I can beat the hormonal monster that controls me for a day every month and spend the night alone.