A circle has too much symmetry

Thursday, July 26, 2007

It is time to find a new hiding spot

My blog is a web log; a log of my random thoughts, feelings and life occurrences. It is not a forum to keep up with friends and family. It is not a forum to organize socially activities. It is not a forum to meet people though I do appreciate most people I have met while blogging. It is a forum for me to share my thoughts and feelings in an anonymous and safe atmosphere. Unfortunately people in my life can not respect me or my blog. They have come sneaking into my bedroom, searched my belongings for the sole purpose of finding and reading my diary. Therefore it is time to find a new hiding place. It is also time to find people who respect me and my blog.

I am saying goodbye for now to this blog. To all my blog land friends; you will be sorely missed.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

What does she have?

Yesterday I had lunch with my current BAW. Immediately after we left the cashier line we walked past the woman I consider to be the most beautiful woman at work. Which is no small feat; there are over 4000 people at this facility. Naturally our lunch table conversation started with considering who the most beautiful woman at work is. We looked around the cafeteria and then brought up people we knew; this is when my BAW went really quite. “You know” he said, “You are the most beautiful woman on plant.” I was shocked and secretly reeling with pleasure. I replied “You must want something.” To which he replied my appeal has to do with how I carry myself and not just my appearance. I know I am not hideous but by no means the most beautiful in any large crowd.

Now I have heard this statement about how I carry myself more than once and I know what they mean and yet I don’t. I can see it in other people but I don’t know really what it is, and I don’t know what it is in me. I wish I knew what it was so I could turn it up when I needed too. When I see it in other people it seems something like confidence but more, kind of like knowing and liking who you are, I really don’t have the words. Does anyone know what I am trying to say here? What is it when you see a person who is attractive but not a show stopper and yet some how they are a show stopper? What does that person have that another person more visually appealing does not have?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Critical

Today I was called critical; it is not the first time I have been described by this adjective.

Critical

1. inclined to criticize severely and unfavorably
2. suggests a tendency to judge by unreasonably strict standards
3. characterized by a tendency to judge harshly

I don’t think I judge people severely, unfavorable, by unreasonably strict standards or judge too harshly. I hold different people in my life to different standards, which is true of everyone. And if you are not in my life I hold you to have empathy and sympathy towards your fellow human beings and that is it. If you are in my life I hold you to a standard based on how much you are in my life. The more you affect my life the more rigorous the requirements to stay there.

If you want my love and to love me in return the standard is vastly different than if I just work with you. This is also completely normal. If you are not willing to come up to that standard then your penetration into my life will reflect that. This is not a bad thing. Now that I think about it, the people who accuse me of being critical are the ones right on the edge. People I am considering letting further into my life, and usually the ones that do not meet the standard I have set. It would be insane to let people deep into your life that you can not trust or respect.

I have been burned a time or two by letting someone in who betrayed my trust, but for the most part I have been very lucky. I have a great network of friends who I love and who are always there for me. I have never been lonely other than when it is by choice or sometimes by not making a choice. I think I will stay with my critical ole self.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Favorite Day

Today is July 17th my favorite day in the whole year as far as numbers go. I also love summer so it is an additional reason for this to be my favorite day. I don’t have a better reason than 17 is my favorite number (it is the day of my birth) and July is my favorite month. Nothing special or life changing has ever happened to me on this day and I don’t think today is going to be any different.

If I could have something special or life changing today, what would I want it to be? Well the simple one is someone to send me flowers. I love flowers, in fact I am sucker for flowers, and I will forgive almost any transgression if the flowers are pretty enough. I will also fall hard for a guy if the flowers are frequent and beautiful.

Or I could golf a perfect game tonight, except that might just ruin it because I know I would never come close to repeating that feat.

I could get a super big promotion at work, in fact that is it, if I had to choose what I wanted today to make this day life changing and special it would be a super big promotion at work.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

First Loves

My youngest sister Susan is getting married. Susan is my half-sister and was raised in my father’s home, and isn’t like my other sister Brittany (or me). Susan is fat and really annoying and kind of stupid. I know it sounds harsh but it is true, she is 25 and is marrying her first boyfriend. The planning of Susan’s wedding has got me thinking about my first love and whether or not it would be a good idea to marry your first love.

I went into my first love with no reservations, no inhibitions, no cautions, no shame, no pride and completely unprepared. He was beautiful, tall and skinny. All these years later I still like them tall and skinny. I remember his full name, after he rejected me I used his name as a swear word. I still use part of his name for passwords, I remember his birthday was in the fall and that is about it.

I couldn’t let go of him, I gave my entire heart to him and I have never even come close to doing that again. I have never loved someone so completely since and I know I never will. I actually regret that I am incapable of loving like that again. Fortunately I did eventually let go of him but it took me years, good thing I fell for him when I was only 15. I was over him sometime around 19. I am so glad he rejected me because I would have never been able to let go of him and if I had stayed with him I know I would not like the person I am now and I DO like the person I am now.

My concern for Susan is she will love her man completely and won't be able to let go and he won’t be good for her, just like my first love was not good for me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Not very smart

The baby is sweet but I don’t think she is very smart. Yesterday when I dropped her off at the puppy sitters, I was reminded of the fact that she is just not the brightest bulb on the strip. The sitters have a sloped front yard with a retaining wall to the driveway; the retaining wall varies from 4 feet high to about 6 inches. They also have a circular approach and yesterday Meadow and I came in from the rear of the house. As we walked around the side of the house, Meadow spied the sprinkler spouting water. Her favorite plaything in the world! Meadow took off for the sprinkler that was watering the front lawn. At ninety miles an hour she hit the sprinkler, skidded on the lawn and went sailing off the lawn unto the driveway, smack on her back.

I laughed so hard, it was all that I could do to make sure she was all right.

After shopping I picked her up and ninety miles an hour she came running to my vehicle only to smack right into the door. She wasn’t even fazed but I was surprised that she did not leave a dent in my door.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Rafting Photos


Note there were 7 people on this raft and you can only partially see two of them (yes one of them is me) and the hottie guide.
Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of the really big rapids either, our camera man wanted to experience those too.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Storm

Storm
By Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright