Being a woman is a nightmare

Being a woman is a nightmare, there are times when my hormones are so out of control I am incapable of being rational. Of course being the incredible logic motivated creature that I am I have been tracking my hormonal swings and putting a notice into my brain that I am not allowed to make any potential life changing decisions while in the throes of the hormonal hurricane. However this month, no anger, no swings, no apathy, no wanting to divorce myself from everyone and everything, no wanting to runaway, no needing space, nope it is worse! I am needy!

Needy, pathetic, weak and I just want to be held. I want to lose myself in someone’s broad chest and strong arms. Of course I realize I am once again being irrational but I will not be able to stop myself from acting on it. I will call someone to come and hold me tonight and they will. I will also be affectionate, needy and vulnerable. I won’t feel the same in 48 hours; they still will. In fact they will feel like they are finally making some head way into my life, and I am sorry you are not.

Maybe today I can beat the hormonal monster that controls me for a day every month and spend the night alone.

Drive it before you buy it

The idea of abstinence until marriage never really impacted me. I knew it wasn’t for me because there is no way I could wait that long; I am just not a patient person. I can’t wait for things I want. I had also laughed at the comments like you don’t buy a car before the test drive but it was always a joke. My thinking has really changed in the past few years; you seriously don’t want to buy a car without a test drive. In fact you don’t even want to rent or borrow a car without a very successful test drive. On the flip side an amazing test drive can make you blind to fact that it isn’t really the car for you. I have been on both sides of this issue.

I had the best driving experience of my life and it took me almost a year to realize the car was stupid. The car was fundamentally stupid, incapable of original thought or conversation; not the car for me. Once I noticed the complete lack of substance (a year later) I could not stand the car for another moment even though it was the perfect ride.

Now I have the sweetest car on the planet, it does everything and more a woman could ever want except the driving is terrible. It is worse than terrible (where is the thesaurus); it is appalling, dreadful, horrendous, atrocious, and ghastly. You might be thinking you can teach someone to drive and solve this problem but trust me I have tried. There are just some things you can’t fix; either you don’t know how, you don’t have the energy/heart or they are plain just not fixable (I am living with all three). I hate to say good bye to this car with every accessory but I can’t live with the terrible driving performance. After each test drive the car loses some of it brilliance.

Moab is cool

I survived the river trip but just barely. It was not the class 5 rapids or the 55,000 cfs water flows that almost did me in but the unseasonable cold weather. A freak cold front blew into Moab, Utah just as our party arrived. It was in the forties and I almost died of exposure. The minute we left the river the weather was back to almost triple digits.

I can’t quite put my finger on what makes Moab so cool. I have heard about Moab my whole life, people rant and rave about the town. I have had random conversations with complete strangers while zip lining over the jungles of Central America and the topic about how wonderful Moab is occurs. Before I went to Moab, I just really didn’t get it. It is a really small town in the middle of the desert. The only things to do there are hike, bike, rock climb and white water raft. I don’t bike and the idea of hiking in triple digits repulses me; oh and I hate the desert. I think it is ugly (please don’t hate me). So when people talked about Moab as this Mecca town with abject reverence, I would internally role my eyes while I politely smiled. Secretly thinking I needed the medication the Moab lovers were on.

I get it now and I don’t get it. Moab is cool. It might be the people that descend there from May to September. They are the kind of adventurous, free, fun and interesting people that most of us aspire to be. It could be the variety of people that are in this town; hundreds a miles away from the nearest city. It might be the hot dry weather makes you light headed and unable to think clearly but the simple fact is Moab is cool. You feel like a bit of that it factor that is Moab rubs off on you while you are there, and you become slightly more interesting during your stay.

I don’t get it and I love Moab. I am now taking the Moab medication, you wouldn’t understand unless you have been there.

Damn Cinderella

Well I wasn’t eaten by a shark; in fact I did not even see a shark. Pretty much everyone else saw sharks but nope not me, I didn’t get to see the eel either, apparently it was right under me too. Hum I am wondering if the ocean might not be the place for me, since I am completely unaware of my surroundings.

I am now getting ready to go white water rafting. It is my annual trip, however I will not be intentionally swimming the rapids this year as the river is flowing at 60,000 cubic feet/second and I am not completely crazy, that number is big to me too.

My life has been pretty lack luster lately. I am busy. I have been traveling a ton. I am playing soccer, softball and still dancing this season. I can’t seem to break out of the “just for now guy” pattern. I really would like some alone time. I have been in a relationship since I was 15, no kidding since I was 15. On some level I must like being in a relationship(because I am always in one) but on another level I really don’t want one right now, or even ever. I try to break them off but then I feel so bad about hurting someone else and it is nice to have someone who takes care of the things I don’t want to do. It is times like now that running away sounds like a great idea; then I don’t have to deal with the break-up in person.

I think the men in my life sense my desire to be alone; they schedule things they know I can’t say no to months in advance, my favorite opera, concert, and ballet or vacation destination. Or perhaps they are just trying to be nice and not trying to get me to commit to anything long term. Maybe one day I will wake up and wish I had settled down with some “just for now guy” in my past but I am really waiting for the guy that sweeps me away. Damn Cinderella!!