A terrible story

Yesterday I heard of a story of a young woman who went to an all male college dorm and knock on the first door, upon entering the women offered her sexual services. According the narrator she then moved onto the next door, at this point I absolutely refused to hear anymore of the story. I am not by any definition prude or naïve but this story really upset me. It upset me because if it was true I immediately thought of the childhood that she had to endure to get to that state. I thought of the horrors out there that are capable of destroying this woman’s sense of self. I also know that they do exist and many children are forced to live in a nightmare. I also know that if something doesn’t destroy you it does not make you stronger, it makes you broken.

This woman was broken and I can not revel in her misery. I can’t hear the manifestations of the brokenness. It also made me acutely aware of how truly unfair life can be. It is unfair that childhood can break someone and it spirals into uncontrollable self-destruction. It is unfair that someone can break you but only you can fix yourself.

Silver Lining

I have mentioned that I am playing on an all women’s hockey team and that I am terrible. Actually beyond terrible, I don’t even have the words to convey how bad I am. In fact the coach has turned into his personal mission in life to make me a good hockey player and he seems to miss that I need to actually be able to skate first. He also has missed the fact that I am a very busy person, I travel at least once a month, I play softball, I am the vice-president of the local ladies golf association and I am the mother of a four-legged terror and even though I have sworn off men for the rest of my life I do want a social life. Not the mention ski season is almost here, and skiing is in my top five favorite things to do on the planet. My ice hockey coach wants me to practice every day but enough of this complaining and on to the silver lining in my ice hockey woes.


My all women’s team has a locker room and gearing up and down for hockey requires us to get in various states of undress in front of one another. Silver lining time, I have the best naked body on the team. Yes I said it, and yes it is true and yes it makes me feel great. I know I should not feel so much happiness in having a better body than the twenty something’s but I do. In fact I like it so much that I almost strut around naked, well not really but I don’t try to take off my sports bar underneath my shirt so no one can see my stuff. I get dressed and undressed in the most efficient comfortable way and let the whole locker room see my stuff and I am proud. I feel guilty about my pride but in small way it makes the whole humiliation on the ice a bit better. I wonder if this is how men feel in a locker room when they know their stuff is the biggest in the room.

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve

Why is it that people have zero accountability when they hurt your feelings?

Ice Hockey

In my insatiable desire to stay busy all the time and to maintain a good physique I joined an ice hockey team. Now some of you might remember that I have played hockey before, floor hockey, but this whole ice skating thing is new to me. I am here to tell you that it is MUCH harder than it looks. It is nothing like skiing either. I play a lot of sports and I thought some of that talent would carry over to the ice but I was so wrong. I don’t think I have every truly sucked at something as much as I suck at skating. And go figure, skating is a huge factor in playing ice hockey. I have watched people skate and now that I have gingerly pushed myself across the ice and landed flat on my arse, I can’t imagine how people ice skate. I am thinking it is magic. I am serious, I have no mind/body awareness when it comes to the ice unless you count my body sprawled awkwardly across the ice.

It is an all women’s team which has its good and bad parts. I can’t flirt/charm my way out of sucking. I can’t flash a smile or make a racy remark and be forgiven for my lack of ability because I am just so darn cute. I also enjoy the company of women over the company of men. It is much easier to talk with women. The women are not as forgiving of my complete inability to skate. Another good thing is I have sworn off men and not playing sports with them is a good start.

You learn new things every day

I constantly learn new things about me and after all this time I am still shocked when it happens. Somewhere in my mind I think after all these years with myself; I should really know who I am and it throws my whole thought process off when I learn otherwise. Recently I discovered if I am in emotional pain from one source, I shut myself off from every source. When I look back at my behavior over the years I realize this is true, but I did not know I was doing it until two days ago.

I think of all the major painful events in my life and realized they also lead to major life changing decisions that removed me from the people that I loved. It is really self-destructive behavior and yet I use it as self-preservation. I am not alone in this response. I think of my best friend Marge, who lost her son to a tragic accident when he was 15 and she shut down emotionally. Fortunately for her and her family she did not completely shut down. Why is it when I need people the most, I run from them?

By the way, I am back. I am not going to let the people who think they can trap me, accuse me or hold my personal thoughts and feelings against me keep me from my blog. No one truly understands what is going on in my head, not even me, regardless of what I write on this blog or any other place.