A circle has too much symmetry

Friday, January 25, 2008

Coming home, not a sweet homecoming

I returned to this place for a man. Judge all you want and condemn all you want; everything you are thinking is probably true and more. What I didn’t realize is either the man or this place (probably both) suppresses something in me, something that is interesting and good. For those of you who don’t know here is a little glimpse of what I was before returning here and what I hope to be again now that the man is gone and hopefully soon the place.

Little big

A little drugs
a little alcohol
a little suffering
a little counseling
a little hell for a little girl.
A big career
a big car
a big mortgage
a big shopping list
a big life for a big girl

You remind me

You say I remind you of girl you once knew
You remind me of how to fall in love
You remind me of butterflies in the stomach
You remind me of being beautiful
You remind of heart skipping moments
You remind of being free
You remind me that life can be carefree
You remind me of pain and uncertainty
You remind me of responsibilities
You remind me of goals and dreams
You remind me of why I don’t want to be free
You remind me that there is more to life than this
You remind me that I hate falling in love
I say you remind me of place I never want to be

To the man who loved me unconditionally

Can I walk a mile in your shoes?
Can I match you stride for stride?
Your long legs and beautiful height
My little black shoes over tights
And you would never refuse
But now all I can do is cry.
And the memory of us brings a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye.
And my heart weeps

Read to me

You are hurt and unable to move. I want to help you. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to give you something wonderful and pure; you who have given me the greatest gift of all, your love. Let me find a story that will inspire you and not offended me. Let me take time out of my busy life to take you somewhere away from the pain and the monotony. Let me see your face light up when I walk through the door. Let me show how much I love you, and let me know that you know no one will ever replace you in my heart. Let me watch your features soften and drift to someplace peaceful as my voice whispers you to sleep, where you are safe and free from pain. Let me read to you.

I am hurt and the pain inside makes it hard to move. I want someone to help me. I want to be shown how much I can be loved. I want to find something wonderful and pure; someone to give me the greatest gift of all, again. Find me a story that will inspire me and make me smile. Take the time out of your life to lift me up in your embrace and comfort me for all time. Let me see the love in your face every time you look at me. Show me how much you love me; such that I never for one minute feel alone, and know that no one will ever replace me in your heart. Let my features relax and the tensions leave my body as you whisper me to sleep, where I am safe and free from pain. Someone please read to me.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I want to go away

There might be worse days in my life to come but Sunday holds the current record. I hurt the love of my life more deeply than I thought possible and it hurt me in return. It has left me reeling and a drift. I am drowning and I have no idea where to look for a lifeline. I don’t know what is good for me anymore, I am lost and everywhere I look is confusion. My life is a blizzard, where the sky, ground and everywhere I turn my head I see the same slate grey and I can’t feel my path. I don’t know where the obstacles are any more, nor do I know how to be happy.

I want to run and hide. I want to curl up in a little ball and hide under the covers and wait for this storm raging around me to subside. I want to go away. Away, I don’t know where it is and I don’t really care right now. I know away is not here, away from the turmoil, away from the drama, away from the uncertainty and away from the pain I have caused and the pain I am in. In away there is the hope that there might be someone to shelter me and protect me. I want to go away.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

For a brief moment there is peace

Update: Tuesday: 11 lbs to go, 150 crunches, 30 pushups, Ballet class, diet: way too much for dinner

I did not exercise this morning but Wednesday is my evening workout day. The whole dieting thing is hard for me. I am not even restricting myself all that much, just smaller portions and no junk food but I have only successfully dieted one day so far.

I love the burn, the soreness and the pain. I love pushing my body beyond the limits of what I think it can do and discovering a new threshold. Most of all I love that I think of no one and nothing else while I push myself to the limits and just for a brief moment I have peace. Soon after the push stops and the endorphins fade you come crashing in but you will not defeat me because there is a place without you. I have found a place where you can not hurt me, where my heart sores as the burden of you disappears and for a moment I am free.

Monday, January 07, 2008

The First Step

Update: 60 minutes cardio, 30 pushups, 200 crunches, 12 lbs to go. Diet so far so good but I have not had dinner yet.

I have a spending problem. There I said it; the first step in any 12 step program is admitting you have a problem. This past holiday season I went a little nuts with the whole retail therapy thing. I bought, bought and then bought some more, to the point that I am broke. I am acutely aware of my problem too and I have arrived at a point that I am forced into some sort of restriction. You see I live in a 4 bedroom home and 3 of the 4 closets are filled with my clothes and shoes. So when I purchase something new I give something away, a new pair of shoes and an old pair has to go, the same holds for shirts, pants, pajamas you name it. It has been quite effective in limiting my boot shopping because there is not a pair in my closets that I can be separated from.

Well in the depths of my holiday despair this year I went a little crazy. I bought 4 new turtlenecks, 5 sweaters and 2 shirts (along with many other non-clothing purchases). Now I have to get rid of 11 shirts in my closet and I don’t own anything that is more than 2 years old and most of my shirts have only been worn twice (at the most). There is nothing I don’t like in my closets and there is nothing that doesn’t fit. All my shirts will still fit when I lose the 12 lbs too; it is the beauty of being tall. My current BAW and the Kid tease me non stop about my addiction. I declared after the holiday break that I was not going to spend money for 30 days.

My BAW and the Kid now have a bet to see if I can go 30 days without spending money. My BAW thinks I can not make it past this weekend and the Kid thinks I can not make it past President’s weekend. The thing is that I am not sure that I can do it. At times I laugh at the 30 day restriction, I can so not spend money, and yet this morning while getting dressed and I could not locate my new yellow bra to match my yellow shirt and I almost went on line to the VS semiannual sale. I already have two very big drawers full of bras and matching panties. I am going to make it 30 days and not just to spite my two relentlessly teasing co-workers either (well to spite them a little bit). I am going to make it 30 days because my spending has become ridiculously out of control.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

My nose is not a toy

14 pounds to go, isn’t that just lovely 3 days after I make the resolution to lose 12 pounds I actually gain 4 pounds. That is my karma. Okay update time: Saturday cardio, 3 alcoholic beverages and I ate everything in sight; no muscle toning and no stretching. Today (Sunday) I did my complete workout, 300 crunches, 30 male pushups and 40 triceps dips while I continued to eat everything in sight. I still have not started stretching but do you have any idea how hard it is to work out on the floor with two dogs in the house? They seriously think it is play time. Tonight while doing my crunches Meadow thought it was a great game of keep away where I was trying to keep my nose away from her.

Oh and you have all just provide enough guilt for me to stretch. I hate stretching.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Resolution

I don’t normally make New Year resolutions. I am not really a goal orientated person, go figure. However this year I am making a resolution. I want to be the weight I was pre marriage. According to my scale this morning that is 10.2 pounds I need to lose but to be fair I really think it is 12 pounds. Twelve little pounds does not sound like a whole lot does it? One would think I would be able to shed them in recorded time without even thinking about it, but I have struggled with these 12 pounds since they first appeared, right after I turned 25. Add to the struggle that I am the world’s worst dieter and a junk food junkie. I also have never stuck to an exercise program in my life.

The only redeeming factor in this whole struggle is that I play sports and a lot of them. If it wasn’t for the sports I would be the size of the good year blimp. Oh and I am fairly tall so with my clothes on you can’t tell that I need to lose 12 pounds. You never know there might be a day when I care what I look like naked; you never know it could happen.

Today is the start of working towards my goal. I have already stumbled eating 2 cookies that the really boring guy brought to work today. The current plan is 30 pushups, 300 crunches and 30 triceps presses a day, cardio 4 times a week and stretching 5 times a week. I absolutely hate to stretch but I really need it. The whole diet thing is going to be drinking less alcohol, eating healthy and less.

Today’s progress report: 10.2 pounds to go, 30 male pushups, 150 crunches and 10 triceps presses but the day is not over yet.

Final report: 30 minutes cardio, 3 alcoholic drinks and way too much for dinner.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I have skills

I started ski lessons on Saturday. It is just something I do, I take classes. I love classes. I love learning anything and everything, hence the PhD. I also love to ski and exercise. I take ski lessons almost every year. It is a way to ski more and also to make sure my technique does not suffer. I did not know how I ski (seriously I can’t watch myself ski) and I have always thought I was an okay skier. I used to ski with DB who had a brief visit on the US ski team and I paled in comparison to his skiing and thus was never certain of my skills. Oh I can ski any terrain (not out of bounds), moguls, small cliffs and all groomed runs but I am not happy about some of the places DB took me.

Well sport’s fans I have SKILLS. I started my advanced class, mainly geared to racing and the instructor recruited me to be an instructor! Spin Doc will soon be a ski instructor; I start my certification next month.

I have to say it rocks! I feel like a pro. I have SKILLS.