Rome

The thing I loved the most about Rome was the food. Usually when I travel I get sick of eating out no matter how good the food is, but this was not the case with Rome. I loved the pasta, and had it for lunch and dinner. At times much to the dismay of my waiters I ordered it for both my dinner courses. I did not care how silly I looked ordering two first courses and no meat course; I could not get enough of the pasta. I didn’t even really try any other variety of pasta beyond the spaghetti, because as I mentioned I loved the pasta.

I was also greatly disappointed with the men in Italy. I had heard numerous stories about my backside getting sore from the amount of pinching it was going to receive, but it was not pinched once! Not once, though I did not see any other women getting pinched either. The men were flirtatious and complimentary but not any more than men in DC. My friends tell me I have a “don’t mess with me” look on my face, and perhaps that is why my backside remained intact.

High Blood Pressure

I don’t have the best relationship with my mother. There have been periods in my life where we don’t talk for months, even years and this is always my choice. I had a conversation with my mother last night that reminded me of why I choose not to have her full time in my life. During a recent health screening at work I had high blood pressure and yesterday I took my blood pressure again and it was high also. Now it is not extremely high but what is called pre-hypertension. I am not overweight and I exercise regularly. I don’t smoke either, so the high blood pressure is some what a mystery to me. So when my mother called last night I asked whether there was a genetic predisposition for high blood pressure on her side of the family. There is a genetic predisposition on my paternal side.

This was the wrong question to ask, because I was subjected to a 30 minute lecture on how I don’t handle the stress in my life correctly and that I need to be medicated. My mother is very fond of her medication and believes it to be the cure all for life’s problems. My entire family is on some form of mode altering drug, many of my family members are on multiple forms of mode altering drugs. I am the only family member that lives my life unmediated. I should have asked her if I medicated myself it would make up for being raised by her, of course this wonderful retort came to mind after I hung up the phone.

I am not sure why my blood pressure is high, but the work position I am in right now is less stressful than the one I was in 7 months ago. The stress in my personal life is basically unchanged, stressful but unchanged. For right now I am going to try a change in my diet and see if that has an effect; limit salt and alcohol consumption. I am also going to finally go get that whole kidney thing checked out.

Goodbye Sport's Fans

Good Bye Sport’s Fans! I am out of here until November 27th!! I am looking forward to the whole Italy experience. I am also looking forward to not spending Thanksgiving with my family. I am also looking forward to not making any life and death decisions for the next 10 days. Well at least no life or death decisions that affect someone besides myself.

In my new position, I am asked to make decisions that if I am wrong things could go very wrong for facilities and even people. It is a different kind of stress, one that has me second guessing myself which is a new feeling for me. I made one of these decisions on Wednesday and I was 99.9% sure that I had made the right one. I was 99.999% sure that nothing was going to go really south, but it did not stop my heart rate from being accelerated or sleep impossible until I was proven right. Yesterday and today I received many congratulations on a great job and great decision which is fine but I reminded my boss that I am really not getting paid enough to make decisions where if I make the wrong one someone dies. He agreed. So I am either going to stop making these calls or I am getting I raise. I will let you know.

Balance

Almost everyone has had their heart broken and it is the worst emotion I have ever experienced to date. The thing that no one tells you when your heart is broken that it is physically painful, the whole heart being ripped from the chest thing is not just a metaphor for your emotional pain it is a simile for your physical pain. I imagine a heart break is like any other physical pain eventually it fades and one day you wake up and you can’t remember what it physically felt like to be heart broken. On some level I always remember what it felt like because I do silly things to protect myself from it ever happening again. Of course it never works.

I find that I am relationship circle; I start with an extremely hot man who makes my heart rate speed up and puts butterflies in my stomach. I fall hard and fast for this man, almost to the point of obsession and it ends badly for both of us. I then spend around 6 months feeling very sorry for myself until I meet the second half of the circle. The next man I fall for loves me unconditionally, no matter how bitchy, irrational or (in)dependent I am he loves me. The second man is safe, secure and boring. He is attractive but not is the drop dead gorgeous sense that the first guy is, and eventually I break his heart. Then it is back to the man with the most amazing body that I have ever laid my hands on and it ends badly again.

Where is the balance? A man that makes every never ending in my body stand up and pay attention but still loves me in the way I demand?

Two more days until vacation!!

It does not matter at the end of the day

At the end of the day it does not matter that you put your career off to help him start his, your story does not count in the final assessment. At the end of the day it does not matter that you gave your youth to this relationship. At the end of the day it does not matter how you got to this point. Every little story, every reason, every path you took does not factor into the final equation, and the simple fact is that half of everything is yours and half of everything is his.

It also does not matter who really has the money or the power or the capacity at the end of the day. Your life up to this point comes down to a bottom line divided in half and the other half is no longer yours. For a long time to come, half of your bottom line belongs to someone else. It does not matter that he does not love you enough, it does not matter that your youth is gone, it does matter that in reality his bottom line is greater than yours. At the end of the day, half of your bottom line is his and your story and your history does not matter.

Playing the Game

I have been reading Hardball for Women: Winning at the Game of Business; because I did not what to inadvertently sabotage my career. I have been academia until just recently and I assumed the way things are done in industry are radically different than in academia. The main theme of the book is men play games; there are teammates and a coach, and the rules of the playing field are the rules of the business world. I have been involved with teams my whole life, drill teams, basketball teams, football teams, hockey teams and softball teams so the language of sports is very familiar with me. The book has been useful in reminding me that the coaches are always right.

Today I was in a meeting, where once again I was the only woman, and I noticed that the rules of the game in real life. I instigated the meeting because my authority was not being recognized and I needed a VP to remind the players that in this case I am the assistant coach. Now before you freak out and think I did not stand up for myself or played the tattletale, don’t worry I just gave these people enough rope that they could potential hang themselves and that is exactly what they did. I tried to tell them they were on that course but they choose to ignore me and they paid the price.

The main player (who needed a lesson) had already been schooled for an entire hour in front of a whole room of people when he decided to do something that was not allowed by our company. Now by no means are all the rules and regulations in our organization reasonable for every situation but they are there for reasons, some of them just establishing corporate philosophy and practices from the top down and this was the case. The VP in the meeting told him to stop what he was doing 3 TIMES and his director told him to stop too but he kept going. Now even as opinionated and outspoken as I am, and I am 2 steps higher on the corporate ladder than this guy, if a VP tells me to jump I say how high, even if it is not my VP. Instead of groveling and apologizing this guy started defending himself, and the VP was upset! I was just a witness and my heart was pounding and I was sweating. The tension in the room was intense. I expected the guy to get fired on the spot, he didn’t. This is where when the coach tells you to run the ball you don’t pass, especially 3 times in a row. I wonder how much longer this guy is going to be on the team. I know he is going to be on the bench for many seasons to come.

Hello Again

I am on my way back, I don’t know how it happened but I lost sight of who I am; but I have found it again. I am not sure if it was the job or my personal life that clouded my vision and caused my temporary loss of me; but I have found it again. Life is so much easier now that I have found me. I have directions, my compass it set again and my feet are on the path. Maybe it has something to do with the whole 6 month mark, that magical date where all the changes in my life came into perspective and I can see clearly again.

I also know what I am going to do about living in the middle of nowhere, guess what I am going to move!!! This entire state is not empty and I am going to move towards civilization, as soon as my house is in order I am moving. Another 6 months and I will have a new address. I will have to commute farther than I do now but it is a price I am willing to pay. I am also going to get my CV in order, who knows there might be a fabulous job for me in another local too. It feels great to have found myself again!

Day 2 of the physical transformation, 20 minutes of core work, 40 minutes of cardio.

Transformation

I have decided that I am going to go through a physical transformation. Nothing as radical as a gender transformation surgery but a serious effort in the gym, currently I exercise a couple times a week. I am going to increase my exercise regiment to a full hour a day and include some type of strength training in my regiment too. I started this new directive a week ago but I did miss two days already. This morning I ran (seriously I ran). I did an 8 minute mile which is absolutely amazing for me. I am going to change my hair style too. I will keep you updated on my progress. I imagine that I will tone up a bit but I doubt that I will lose any weight.

This physical transformation is a reflection of the internal transformation I want to undergo. I want to stop settling and stop wasting my time on things and people that do not deserve my time. I want to be as assertive in my private life as I am in my professional life. I want to restore my pride and I am going to start by being the physically best that I can be. I am done with indecision and I am going to start taking action in my life as of this minute.

Oh the positive side I am going to Rome in two weeks. I have never been and I am very excited about it. I don’t know what the “must sees” of the city are but I will be there for a week and I hope that is enough time to see the “must sees”.

The Kid made me another CD this week. He really is very sweet and very young.

Going Through Hell

There is something about living in the country that makes country music sound great. It is crazy, but I find myself listening to country music a lot lately and I have a new theme song.

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

I am going a little batty too. I joined a bowling league, and if you are wondering I don’t exactly fit in. I never wear sweats in public; in fact I don’t even own a pair of sweats. I also would never wear biker shorts unless I was on an actual bike (in a race). I also don’t currently or plan on or even when I was very young lived in a trailer or even an apartment. I can’t help myself the entire I bowl I hum the theme song to the “Odd Couple”. I try not to do it while I am waiting anxiously for my turn but every time I am actually bowling I am humming it.

This is how starved I am for things to do in the middle of nowhere! This summer I golfed and now I am bowling. Soon the snow will start falling and then I will actually have something I really love to do. I am going through hell right now but if I don’t slow down I might get out before the devil even knows I’m here.

Basking

I am not sure I am ever going to grow up, sure I am growing older but I am not maturing. The Kid has a huge crush on me and at times I try to down play it or even deny it, but I can’t help but bask in the adoration from time to time. It makes me feel good and every once in a while I need to feel good. I just wish that my emotions would not respond so easily to male adoration and so sluggishly to my internal efforts to make myself feel good.

Critical

At times I am not intrinsically critical, for those of you who know me I did say at times… Until I am made aware of what is “correct” and what is “incorrect” I am oblivious to the faults in certain things. For example I was listening to “I belong to me” by Jessica Simpson and I really liked the song. This is the first Jessica Simpson song I have ever liked; I am just not a fan of pop. Back to the point, the Kid asked about what I am listening to lately and I told him. Of course he wanted to hear the song and his first comment was “She says Baby too much”. Now I have listened to this song a bunch and I couldn’t even remember her saying baby, but now that is all I hear! And she does say it too much and now the song bugs me. I probably would have never noticed the baby if he did not point it out.

In general I am a very critical person, I am critical of wine, food, music, entertainment and yes at times of people. Society claims that critical people are not nice and therefore I try to not be critical but I have found something that bothers me even more than critical people, it is non-critical people. When someone is non-critical I can’t help but think they have no opinions and they value nothing. If everything is totally acceptable, how do they determine what they really want or need? If all food is acceptable, do you have a favorite food? I feel that people who like everything have a hard time realizing when something is really special. If you are with someone who likes everything, are you special in their eyes or do they just like everyone?

6 months

Today I have been at this position for 6 months, happy anniversary to me! I still love my job and I still hate the area. I said I was going to give myself and the area 6 months before I decided anything and I am still stuck with indecision. A part of me really wants to live in a more metropolitan area; however there is that part of me that wants to “settle down” in a quiet town where the children can play outside. When I was a child I ranged all over the area, having all sorts of adventures. We built forts and had motor cross tracks and tried to fish in the local water shed with nets. We caught snakes, killed black widows and had great adventures. At one point we even tried to build a fall out shelter (don’t ask).

I used to spend a month every spring in SF, and though I love the city as an adult I would hate the city as a child. There is no where to play, to build forts, to catch snakes, to range where the only danger is from nature. DC is better than SF; it is greener and contains less concrete but still not the best area to play in. All these thoughts are centered on the elusive child idea and I have yet to find someone who I want to have a family with. I am not even sure if I want to have a family. So if I don’t want a family what is keeping me in the middle of nowhere besides a job I love? Oh and that huge signing bonus that I have already spent that I would have to pay back if I leave before 24 months.