A circle has too much symmetry

Friday, March 31, 2006

Family in Town

I have family in town and will be absent for the next couple of days. I do have a lot to write about but I will have to stop playing tour guide before I will have time to write.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My First Kiss

It was the summer before I turned 12 and technically I was 11 years old. Probably too young for my first kiss, but that is when it happened. It was of the best summers of my childhood. For reasons that were beyond my maturity my mother was spending almost all of her free time at my Aunt Shawn’s house and she took me with her. Now Aunt Shawn’s house was a child’s dream. She lived in a very small mountain town about 40 miles from our home. The town was so small that it only had a small mom and pop grocery store that was open a few hours each evening and closed on Sundays. The town was nestled in a small valley with a reservoir and completely surrounded by mountains. No matter what direction you set off in, in just mere moments you were in the mountains and the valley was a plethora of trees with an occasional home hiding in the forest.

Added to the wildness of my Aunt’s house was the fact she owned 21 horses. This was a few years before I acquired my own horse and like every little girl I wanted a horse. My cousin and I used to saddle up her horses and set out for an adventure every day. I was young and full of imagination so we came up with all sorts of adventures. The other great thing about my Aunt’s house was the Eagles (FOE). The adults would head up to the Eagles at night and take us with them. As I mentioned things were happening in my mother’s world that I did not understand but I reaped the benefits. All the adults in the town brought their children to the FOE and my first experience there left my little girl heart behind. I danced with a cowboy, and even at our tender age he could dance. He led me around the floor in a very advanced two-step during the slow songs, and did a country swing during the fast ones; by the end of night we had sworn our love to one another. Wow I am getting side tracked because he was not my first kiss, his best friend was…..

I think even at our ages 11 and 13 the whole male competition thing kicked in. Soon after meeting my dancing boyfriend I was introduced to his best friend, the porn star. I call him the porn star because when I went to type his name just now I realized that it so totally could be a porn star name. Anyway, he lived a lot closer to my cousin and would show up bright and early to join us on our daily adventures. One such day had us racing our horses through a stretch of grassland jumping the occasional fallen tree with wild abandon. When we finally stopped it was in a cool grove of trees, and even now I remember the absolute beauty of the place. My cousin who was 3 years older than me started teasing us about being sweethearts, and the teasing led to a dare.

The dare ended in the porn star kissing me. Let me tell you folks, it was earth shattering. My entire skin was tingling, my stomach did flip flops and my breath caught in my throat. It was an amazing kiss and it was my first kiss. Summer eventually ended and my new boyfriend and I talked every day on the phone until our parents got the first phone bill. It was long distance to call one another, he called me and was super sweet telling me that he could only call me once a month and he was sorry. I moved on to other things and other boys, but it was years before I actually kissed a boy again and even more years before I kissed a boy that made my entire body come alive.

Okay it is your turn, when was your first kiss?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Absent Minded Scientist

I have been absent for the last few days and I have much to report, but I am going to start at the end and eventually work my way back to the beginning. I had an absent minded scientist day yesterday and I blame the entire thing on a baby, yes a baby. I was on a really long flight back to DC yesterday and I was sitting next to a couple with a baby. Needless to say after 5 hours on the flight I really wanted off. Immediately when the doors opened I fled the plane, which was easy considering I was sitting in the bulk head seat next to the exit door. I was also really happy to be back in DC.

I proceeded to the taxi stand, got a cab and came to the lab. Upon arrival at the lab I discovered I did not have any cash. I usually keep a secret stash in my wallet but I had spent it some where (and I don’t remember where). The taxi driver was pissed! I know he had a right to be upset but he was really angry with me. He would not take a check or a credit card either and insisted I borrow the money from a stranger. I tried calling all my co-workers and no one answered the phone! As the driver was getting more furious at me I finally relented and walked into the HR building and frantically explained my situation to the receptionist and asked her for the money. I work at a huge lab and I had never met this receptionist but she gave me the money.

In order to pay the receptionist back I had to go to the ATM, which is far from the main gate. As I mentioned no one was answering my phone calls and the employee shuttle was no where to be found. Of course, I felt bad! This random Good Samaritan had just given me cab fare and it was 4:30pm, and I wanted to return her money before she left for the day. I was dressed in a huge sweater and ski parka as a result of the very cold place I had just come from. There I was running across the lab, in very hot weather, in my complete winter outfit (along with high heels). I was hot, sweaty and a basket case. Finally I managed to get money from the ATM and my car and went to pay the Good Samaritan back.

When I arrived at HR the GS had left for the day, but I left her money (plus an extra 20) with one of her co-workers. I was also informed that this was her first day on the job! Can you believe it; she gave some random stranger (me) cab fare on her first day on the job. Around this time I noticed that I left my carry on luggage on the plane, yup it was still on the plane. I was so anxious to flee the plane, not only did I not get any money I forgot my luggage. Absent minded scientist indeed.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Books to Read

I read a lot. I always knew I read a lot, but I just assumed that most professionals with spare time read a lot too. Recently I have had two different co-workers ask me to compile a list of books that I would recommend they read. Sara wants things that will help her increase her vocabulary and grammar skills, and Hugh requested great books that will change the way he thinks written in the last century. I am flattered that they think I am up to the task. They are also aware that when I am in a reading mode I read about 3 books a week. I try to make every tenth book or so something with substance; philosophy, history or science. Needless to say I have 5 such books that I am reading right now and I still read books that are just junk food for the brain. As much as I have read I would like your help in assembling the list, I will start it so you get the feel for what I am looking for.

1.) Lord of the Flies by William Golding

a. This book always reminds me how close we are to mob mentality. It also forces me to reexamine my role in society; am I a follower or a leader and if I am following will I notice when the group strays from what I hold morally dear?

2.) The Jungle by Upton Sinclair

a. This book had a profound impact on my sister Brittany; she turned vegetarian shortly after reading this book and has remained such for the last 12 years. I find the history of this book fascinating, I heard an interview given by Sinclair shortly before his death on NPR and he was still upset that public missed the point of his book, which was communism and not reform of the meat industry.

3.) The Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

a. I had to swim out of this book, the words were so powerful and heavy that when I was interrupted or had to put the book down I literally had to fight with my conciseness to leave the feeling of the book behind.

4.) 1984 by George Orwell

a. This book had a profound impact on my life and more so then the big brother mentality. This reminds me I hate it when people give reference to big brother without actually having read the book. This book held a mirror up to my deepest and darkest fears, and what I would do to avoid them, who would I betray and what would I betray to avoid my fears? My fears have change through out the years but I am still aware of them.

5.) Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

a. One can get the same sentiment from Fountainhead as is in Atlas Shrug without having to read that enormous book (and long winded speech).

6.) We the living by Any Rand

a. This is a compelling story that reminded me of the other side to communism.

7.) The winter of our Discontent by John Steinbeck

a. I love John Steinbeck and would recommend every last one of his books, including the light hearted (in Steinbeck’s world) Travels with Charlie. This book delves into depression and its profound affects on the internal dialog of the main character Ethan and yet the outwardly normal behavior.

8.) Paradise by Toni Morrison

a. I am not a huge Toni Morrison fan but this book deserves a read. I read it with out knowing anything about it and brought only my current paradigm to the reading table. I am embarrassed to say I was quite into the book before I realized where the color lines were, and that was refreshing and changed my paradigm.

9.) Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriett Beecher Stowe

a. Initially the author’s portrayal of slavery in the United States is void of any physical abuse to the slaves and yet it is shockingly clear that no matter how well slaves were treated, slavery is wrong in all forms. I think every American should read this book

10.) Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurty

a. This is just a great read. The story is fabulous; the characters are real and enchanting

Now I have a lot more to add to this list, but it is your turn. What books would you recommend and why?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

My IPOD - My Psychic

I got this from Ellen and Jean-Marc and I have nothing better to do with my day so I decided to partake.

Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud and press play. Use the song titles as your answers. NO CHEATING!

Here are my results:

1-How does the world see me?
Song: Meet her at the Love Parade
Artist: Da Hool
Comment: I knew it! The world sees me as a slut, perhaps the world is holding up a mirror to my face?

2 - Will I have a happy life?
Song: She Got Kids
Artist: Lyfe Jennings
Comment: I don't think that will make me happy.

3 - What do my friends really think of me?
Song: I’m N Luv Wit a Stripper
Artist: T-Pain
Comment: Okay I get it! You all think I am a slut.

4 - Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: 7 Days and one week
Artist: BBE
Comment: You people have a short attention span!


5 - How can I make myself happy?
Song: Encore Une Fois
Artist: Sash!
Comment: And again and again, as long as the batteries last!


6 - What should I do with my life?
Song: Flagpole Sitta
Artist: Harvey Danger
Comment: I really beginning to wonder about the songs on my IPOD, they all seem to have a common theme.


7 - Why should life be full of so much pain?
Song: Cold As Ice
Artist: Foreigner
Comment: Really I could not have picked a better song if I tried, it says it all.

8 - How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Song: You Sexy Thing
Artist: Hot Chocolate
Comment: Hey every one already sees me as a stripper, so this fits too. I need to put those Carmen Electra DVDs to good use.


9 - Will I ever have children?
Song: Cream
Artist: Prince
Comment: Wow I guess my wanton lifestyle is going to get me in the family way.


10 - Will I die happy?
Song: About you
Artist: Mary J. Blige
Comment: It sounds like as long as I find the right person I will die happy.

11 - What is some good advice for me?
Song: Something
Artist: Lasgo
Comment: I am confused, am I suppose to tell someone something or hear something?

12 - What is happiness?
Song: Call Me
Artist: Blondie
Comment: I knew there was a reason I got unlimited minutes on my cell phone.


13 - What is my favorite fetish?
Song: 26 years, 17 days
Artist: Lyfe Jennings
Comment: Oh this one is just sick! I am going to hell too.

14 - How will I be remembered?
Song: Every Time You Go Away
Artist: Brian McKnight
Comment: At least people will notice that I left.

I can’t believe my results. I wonder if it works for everyone. If you try it let me know the results, I am very curious.

Show and Tell Tuesday


When I started playing co-ed football last year I was instructed to buy football cleats right away, and of course no one informed me of how difficult buying football cleats would be. The number one difficulty is that stores don’t sell football cleats for women. I was forced to buy men’s cleats. They are ugly shoes, plain black with a white Nike swish. Sure they do the job; serviceable but without any flare or style. For the last 6 months I have longed for a pair of cleats that were more representative of my personal style, and about two months ago I decided that I wanted bright pink cleats. Now bright pink cleats are me. I went to every shoe store in the DC metropolitan area looking for pink cleats and I found nothing! I even went so far as to contact a friend of a friend that plays for the DC Divas (professional full contact female football) and asked her where I could get pink cleats, and needless to say she thought I was crazy but could not help me with my quest. Finally a knight in shinning amour heard of my plight and came to my rescue. I am now the proud owner of bright pink cleats. I can’t wait to wear them on the football field!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Diversity

I am very nervous about starting my new job in 6 weeks. I went to dinner with of the VPs and his wife on Saturday and it was not good. I picked the restaurant and I decided on a 5 star restaurant. I picked the restaurant for two reasons, 1.) This guy probably makes more in a month than I do in entire year and 2.) Utah is his home base and there are not a lot of fine dining restaurants in Utah. Well the restaurant pick was a bad idea. The CEO and his wife had never had a fine dining experience and seemed very uncomfortable. The food and service was fabulous, but I think they were a little overwhelmed. The cheese course was a complete disaster for them, I personally loved it, but I love cheese.

The conversation was radically inappropriate too. The CEO talked about going to nude beaches and what the mile high club is all about. He also informed me the reason there are not females in top positions (I will be the only one) is that they quit to have babies. I was excited about this new position, but now I am worried. The CEO was white, chauvinistic and racist. At one point during the conversation we were taking about the crime rate in DC, and he commented “It is not surprising that the crime rate is so high considering how many minorities are in DC.” I was shocked and did not know how to respond. I had already been a little confrontational with the whole baby comment.

I am used to being the only women in a male dominated field, but I am really getting sick of it. I would like to work in an environment where the demographics of the workplace resemble the demographics of the country. It is a known fact that there is strength in diversity, but when will the professional workplace learn that diversity is better?

Friday, March 17, 2006

My Talk

The conference is almost over and I can honestly say it has been the best March meeting I have ever attended! Having the meeting only 45 minutes away from my condo was the best. Whenever I felt tired, hungry, bored or saturated with information I just went home. I only attended the talks I had too, because I was chair or somehow involved and I spent the rest of the time socializing with my friends.

To make the conference even better I gave my talk today and it went fabulous! I know I was presenting garbage with a ridiculous explanation but my talk was still fabulous. I woke this morning feeling great. My hair and outfit looked amazing too. Initially I was nervous about presenting garbage, but as I looked around the conference I realized no one cares and nobody was paying attention. When I gave my talk I was so calm and confident that no one noticed it was garbage. I was even funny, I know that is hard to believe but in a room full of physicists it is easy to be funny. I felt so wonderful and I was able to make the audience believe I had done something great.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

It

It started out of boredom coupled with loneliness.
It continued out of entertainment enhanced with curiosity.
It moved to instant gratification embedded with denial.
It evolved to a farce masked by a relationship.
It morphed into feelings saturated with guilt.
It remains but I no longer know what it is.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Tuesday Night at APS

I have been lax in my APS reporting duties, and today is another lax day. I can’t find any material to report because I am so busy supplying it myself. Last night was a great Spin Doc moment. I was joining my former group for dinner, an annual APS event that I always look forward too. We were to meet at the lobby of the convention center after the last meeting and proceed to dinner from there. I am commuting back and forth to the meeting and drove to the convention center last night. I arrived at the convention center right on time, all the meeting attendees were pouring out the doors on their way to where scientists go after dark. As I was walking towards the front doors I tripped and fell face first onto the pavement. I fell hard too! I cut the surface of my palms and bruised the heel of my hand. I also feel like I have broken something in my forearm (which I have not, but it hurts like I did).

I jumped up immediately and tried to ignore my face plant, but it was too late everyone watched me take a nose dive. I can just imagine somewhere in blog land an entry about a female scientist falling on her face at the annual meeting of solid state physicists. For the record, it was me.

Who am I?

I have done things I don’t recognize
I have forsaken my friends
They would not believe how easy it was for me to be here
They don’t know who I am anymore
I have forsaken my ideals
It was so easy for me to be here
I have abandoned my dreams and identity
I have done it for you
I have abandoned you
And I don’t know who I am anymore
I used to know
I used to have an idea of who I wanted to be
And I was on the path to becoming her
I have lost myself.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Commuting to APS

I know I was going to report on the comings and goings of the APS March meeting, and I have every intention of doing so but it will have to wait until tomorrow. This morning I arrived at the meeting, ran into a few friends made lunch and dinner dates for the rest of the week, registered and then I was out of there. It was just like last year, crowded and incredibly boring!

The meeting is 40 miles away from my house, and the government has decided I have to commute. Commuting is fine, I don’t really mind sleeping in my own bed every day and having my entire wardrobe at my finger tips when I get ready in the morning and commuting can be so entertaining. For instance today when I left the meeting I pulled next to and very nice black convertible corvette. Immediately I noticed two guys in the vette hanging out of the car yelling at me. I rolled down my window and they said, “You have a nice car.”

“Thanks, you have a nice car too.” I replied and drove to the next light. At the next light they were still hanging out of their car trying to talk to me, so I rolled down my window again.

“Are you from around here?” He asked

“No I live in DC.” I replied

“Me too, what is your name?” He asked

“Spin Doc” I replied

“I am JR, what do you do?” He asked

“I am scientist” I said and drove to the next light when the light changed. At the next light they were still trying to talk to me and I reluctantly rolled down my window again.

“Can I have your phone number?” He inquired at the next light. I laughed and shook my head and started driving on the parkway. The black vette followed me for the next 40 miles, continually pulling up the side of my car and making begging motions for my phone number. I just kept shaking my head no, and laughing a bit. I am kind of fast driver but the vette had no trouble keeping up. When I was two miles from my exit I started getting a little nervous thinking they might follow me home, but they did not get off the beltway. If nothing else commuting this morning was entertaining.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Practice Talks

Everyone here, junior and senior people are strongly encouraged to give a practice talk for the APS meeting. This year I have the added benefit of presenting garbage at the meeting. I have done everything short of flat out refusing to present to get my mentor to change his mind, but I am still stuck presenting trash. Everyday I take comfort in the fact that I have another position secured and will be leaving my nightmare job soon. I was prepared to take a lot of punishment when I gave my practice talk, because it is shit data and an implausible explanation, but despite being prepared for abuse, it felt bad!

Oh I just got used, abused and put away wet! It was bad! The whole place took turns in verbally abusing my talk. I knew it was going to be like that and I tried to tell my mentor but knowing it was coming did not make me feel any better. I have great stuff to show, I still can't believe he made me do that. It was SOOOOO BAD!!! I looked like a complete idiot in front of everyone, maybe which is why he made me do it?????

I did take minor comfort in not actually giving the worst practice talk, because what I lack in substance I make up for with style. Nose Hair Guy gave the most painful talk to listen too. I counted him saying Ah 215 times in four minutes. Nose Hair guy talked for 23 minutes, remember these are suppose to be 10 minute talks. At one point I whispered to Sara, “Maybe it is an invited talk” and she burst out laughing. And of course I started laughing too; being in the last row of the conference room we were well aware of the fact that everyone in the room turned around to look at us. Every time someone shot us daggers with their eyes, I just started laughing harder. Sara could not control her laughter either. I am surprised they did not kick us out of the meeting. It was a nice way to end the day.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Pre-APS March meeting

This Sunday starts the official yearly meeting of Solid State Physicists; the meeting is called the March meeting. How clever is that? The annual meeting occurs every March and it is called the March meeting. It is the most painful, useless meeting in the history of meetings. Let me paint you a picture of the meeting, over 6000 physicists (and students) descends on the convention center. Six thousand inflated egos and 6000 socially awkward people all in one place at the same time.

There are a few famous physicist there and you always know who they are because the surround themselves with groupies. You can see them walking the convention center with a cloud of people around them. I imagine it is similar to seeing a rap star walk through a place. Most everyone else will stand alone and look pathetic, just hoping that they will see someone they know so they can talk with them. When they do start talking it is almost always about science, and not cool science but boring science like growth and characterization of samples (yawn!).

The meeting is 5 full days of 12 minute talks with a few invited talks in between that are 30 minutes. The talks are boring! Including my own which is painfully stupid and boring (my mentor’s fault). Even if you wanted to it is too much information to absorb over such a short time. The best part of the meeting is getting to see all my friends from grad school. Other than that the meeting is a complete waste of time, it is just too big.

Did I mention I am one of the organizers of the meeting? That’s right I am talking from a place of authority about it being too big, boring and a complete waste of time. Any meeting that they let me help organize can’t be that great. So for the next week I will keep you updated on the APS March meeting. Complete with social commentary on the level that only the truly socially disabled can provide.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Magic Blanket

My father is in my mother’s bed. He is sleeping there. He has not been there in a long, long time, but that is my bed now and where I sleep. There are monsters in my room and I can not sleep there. I want to sleep in the big bed where there are no monsters (at least not yet).

“Mommy, can I sleep with you?” I am crying and I don’t want to go back to my bed.
“No, go to bed.” My mother replies.
“There are monsters in my room.” I am still crying and my mother is angry, she is yelling at me. I turn from the big bed and return to the room with the monsters. I feel small and no match for the monsters. My father comes in to my room, bearing magic.
“Do you see this blanket?” and I nod “it is a magic blanket, if you cover yourself completely from head to toe in this blanket the monster can not get you.” And I believed as only a very small child can, and I covered myself. I was completely covered I know I checked many times and I was safe.

When that blanket made its last trip through the washing cycle 20 years later I curled myself up with it and cried for hours knowing that soon for the first time in 20 years I would not be sleeping with my magic blanket.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Show and Tell Tuesday


I have absolutely nothing interesting (that I can share with the rest of the world) to post today. Therefore I will embrace show and tell Tuesday and show my Hewlett Packard 48GX calculator. This is a picture of my calculator, and I can’t live without it. It is a reverse polar calculator, which means it is a stack orientated logic. If you don’t understand that don’t worry, it just means most people can not figure out how to use it. It was a gift from my mother years ago when it was first available on the market. The Hewlett Packard 48GX was a very expensive calculator at the time, around 400.00, and thanks to HP leaving the calculator market it is still a very expensive calculator.

I used the 48GX through out my undergraduate and graduate careers. It was such a powerful tool that I never needed (or learned) Mathematica or Maple (computing software packages). I use it all the time in my job. To this day I take it where ever I go; on airplanes so I can calculate the fraction of the speed of sound the plane is traveling, or the acceleration rate when taking off. This post is dedicated to the best calculator ever built, and I hope you never break because I would be screwed if you did.

Monday, March 06, 2006

A New Face

Last night I was my 4th hockey game ever, and I scored not one but two goals. My hockey skills are improving by leaps and bounds, but considering I had never touched a hockey stick before I bought one for my first game this is not surprising. After my second game my captain promoted me to fulltime hockey player instead of a sub. After my 3rd game I got promoted to first line.

Last night’s game was my first time playing first line, and in case you missed it I scored 2 goals; Yes little ole me scored twice. Honestly they were totally lucky shots. My first goal was half way into the first period. The score was 1 to 0 in our favor. I was in front of the net and the next thing I knew a rebound was coming straight for me, I lifted my stick and it connected with the ball and it went in. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited. I started jumping up and down, and performing a little victory dance. I even shared my enthusiasm with the other team. I bragged, “Did you see that? That was my first goal ever!” Needless to say the other team was not impressed. Oh well, this is the same team where I got intentionally elbowed in the face.

My 2nd goal came during the second period and once again it was a total luck shot. It was another rebound shot and it went in. I immediately started screaming, “That is two baby doll, two!” I spent the rest of the game, saying “Two baby doll!” After the second shot the other team changed my defender to a guy. I took a lot of rough play after that but it was worth it!

In addition to actually scoring two goals (Two Baby Doll) I actually made real passes. The ball went where I meant it to go, more than once. I do play for the best team in our league which is great fun. We always win. Watch out Sport’s fans there is a new face in hockey, and it is me!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Don't feed the bears

I talked with Janeane this morning as she was frantically getting food ready to take to work today. In an effort to bring camaraderie to her workplace she suggested they start a Taco Bar Friday, which on the surface seems like a good idea right? Wrong, Janeane is in a male dominated field (just like me), and not one of her male co-workers actually did anything for Taco Bar Friday. She was left with the entire burden of stocking the Taco Bar today.

I was not surprised by this behavior in her co-workers; however I was surprised that Janeane did not see her behavior as hurting her career. Instead of being considered equal by the men in the office, she had moved herself to the position of secretary by doing things a secretary would do. She is not Betty Crocker or their mother and should not be feeding her co-workers. Sure they will eat the food and thank her for it, but they won’t consider it a quality for a promotion. Instead all the extra time she spends “taking care” of the men at work will be seen as time she in not doing her job.

In a male dominated workplace, women have to play the game like a man. This includes not doing traditional women things, like feeding everyone. There are countless books on the subject, like Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, and I am surprised at how many women I run across who still exhibit behaviors that hurt their careers.

Janeane asked me, “Why do I have to abandon my femininity to succeed? Can’t I be a woman and still get the corner office?” My simple answer is, “No”. I did tell her that change comes from the top down, and if she wanted to facilitate change in perceptions and attitudes she had to do it from the top down. It sucks, but it is the reality that women face in the workplace, especially in fields where less than 10% (or 4% in my field) of the positions are occupied by women.

Pain

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

by Emily Dickinson

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Selling Out

I have decided to leave research. I know the purists out there think I am selling out and I am. I am going into the private industry. I had always heard about how much money a scientist could make in the private sector and I really did not think it was that much different, but sport’s fans it is a huge difference! I am going straight into an executive position and along with the position comes and executive start up package.

The start up package includes everything. I am talking everything, selling my condo, buying a new place, relocating all my goods (packing and unpacking), shipping my car in the fashion I desire, first class plane tickets, signing bonus and I think there is more too. Not to mention they are going to pay me 3 times what I am currently making. In addition to my salary is 5 weeks vacation, stock, retirement benefits, insurance and yearly bonuses. I am sure this is standard but I have been working for so long with very little benefits such that the whole concept is mind boggling.

With all that I am getting by going to the private sector, I can’t help but wonder what I am giving up. The obvious things I am giving up, is I won’t have to vie for tenure or compete for grant money. I won’t have to pour my blood, sweat and tears into a paper only to go through the painful refereeing process. I also think I will give up the intellectual environment. I will give up the idea that I can research whatever I want. I will give up the fact that I will own my discoveries. However, I have not really been able to research what I want, in theory I am suppose to able too, but in practice the research goes where the funding is. Perhaps I am not giving anything up and gaining a whole lot of material things. I am going to spend the rest of the day car shopping!

Depressing Song of the week

Addicted

(Cheryl Wheeler)

She says she hates to sleep alone, but she'll do it tonight

She wants to grab her telephone, but she knows it ain't right

So if he don't call, she'll survive

So if he don't care, she'll get by

Climb into bed, bury her head, and cry

*

From the beginning he was all anyone could've been

They were delirious with love, they were certain to win

Now he's breaking plans more and more

And he's leaving notes on her door

Took a trip out of town, couldn't turn this one down

He said I guess I should have told you before

*

Chorus

She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing

Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring

She knows she bounces like a yo-you when he pulls her string

It hurts to feel like such a fool

She wants to tell him not to call or come around again

He doesn't need her now at all, the way that she needs him

She's on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in

And she don't know which was to move oh no

*

She wants to be fair

She couldn't say he was ever unkind

But if she could bear to walk away, she thinks he wouldn't mind

Cause he just keeps himself so apart

And there's no one else in her heart

So she's taking a dive from an emotional high and coming down hard

*

Chorus

She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing

Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring

She knows she bounces like a yo-you when he pulls her string

It hurts to feel like such a fool

She wants to tell him not to call or come around again

He doesn't need her now at all, the way that she needs him

She's on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in

And she don't know which was to move oh no

*

She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing

Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring

She knows she bounces like a yo-you when he pulls her string

It hurts to feel like such a fool

She don't know which way to move

It hurts to feel like such a fool

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

How many miles do I have to go?

I started running a few years ago as an efficient way to maintain my figure. Every step I took was a struggle. I hated to run. I started small running a mile at the most. Now years later I run a few times a week and it is still a struggle every step and I still hate to run. However the reasons I run now are different than they were years ago. I run to maintain the physical endurance I need to play hockey, football and ski.

More importantly I run to forget. I run to exhaust my body to the point that my mind shuts down and all I can think about is how much I hate running. It takes two to three miles to leave behind all the stress at work. Two miles and the hateful mentor leaves my head. Two and half miles and the horrible place I work leaves my head. Three miles and all my professional inadequacies are out of my head. However I have yet to reach the mile marker where the loneliness is no longer. I have tried 5 miles and the emptiness is still there. Six miles and I still am left wanting. Is there enough pavement to stop wanting you?